Curious Story, for the Pennsylvania Magazine

The following story, ridiculous as it is, is a fact. A farmer at New Shoreham near Brighthelmstone in England, having voted in an election for a member of parliament, contrary to the pleasure of three neighbouring Justices, they took revenge upon his dog, which they caused to be hung, for starting a hare on the road. The piece have been very little seen, never published, nor any copies ever taken.

1 Three Justices (so sais my tale)
2 Once met upon the public weal.
3 For learning, law, and parts profound,
4 Their fame was spread the county round;
5 Each by his wondrous art could tell,
6 Of things as strange, as Sydrophel;
7 Or by the help of sturdy ale,
8 So cleverly could tell a tale,
9 That half the gaping standers by,
10 Would laugh aloud. The rest would cry.
11 Or by the help of nobler wine,
12 Would knotty points so nice define,
13 That in an instant right was wrong,
14 Yet did not hold that station long,
15 For while they talked of wrong and right
16 You’d see the question out of sight.
17 Each knew by practice where to turn
18 To ev’ry powerful page in Burn,
19 And could help of note and book
20 Talk law like Littleton and Coke.
21 Each knew by instinct when and where,
22 A farmer caught, or kill’d a hare.
23 Could tell if any man had got
24 One hundred pounds, per ann, or not.
25 Or what was greater, could divine,
26 If it was only ninety nine,
27 For when the hundred wanted one
28 They took away the owners gun.
29 Knew by the leering of an eye
30 If girls had lost their chastity,
31 And if they had not — would divine
32 Some way to make their virtue shine.
33 These learned brothers being assembled,
34 (At which the country fear’d & trembled)
35 A warrant sent to bringbefore ’em,
36 One farmer Short who dwelt at Shoreham,
37 Upon a great and heavy charge,
38 Which we’ve recited here at large,
39 That those who were not there might read,
40 In after days the mighty deed.
41 Viz.
42 “That he” the foresaid “farmer Short
43 “Being by the devill moved, had not,
44 “One hundred pounds per annum got.
45 “That having not (in form likewise)
46 “The fear of God before his eyes,
47 “By force and arms did keep and cherish,
48 “Within the fore said town and parish,
49 “Against the statute so provided.
50 “A dog. And there the dog abided.
51 “That he, this dog, did then, and there,
52 “Pursue and take and kill an hare.
53 “Which treason was, or some such thing,
54 “Against our sovereign lord the king.”
55 The constable was bid to jog
56 And bring the farmer — not the dog.
57 But fortune whose perpetual wheel,
58 Grinds disappointment sharp as steel,
59 On purpose to attack the pride,
60 Of those who over others ride,
61 So nicely brought the matter round,
62 That farmer Short could not be found,
63 Which plung’d the bench in so much doubt
64 They knew not what to go about.
65 But after pond’ring pro, and con,
66 And mighty reas’nings thereupon,
67 They found on opening of the laws,
68 That he, the dog, aforesaid was,
69 By being privy to the fact,
70 Within the meaning of the act,
71 And since the master had withdrawn,
72 And was the Lord knew whither gone,
73 They judg’d it right, and good in law,
74 That he, the Dog, should answer for
75 Such crimes, as they by proof could show,
76 Were acted by himself and co.
77 The constable again was sent,
78 To bring the dog; or dread th’event.
79 Poor porter right before the door,
80 Was guarding of his master’s store;
81 And as the constable approach’d him,
82 He caught him by the leg & broach’d him;
83 For Porter thought (if dogs can think)
84 He came to steal his masters chink.
85 The man, by virtue of his staff,
86 Bid people help; not stand and laugh.
87 On which a mighty route began,
88 Some blam’d the dog; and some the man.
89 Some said he had no business there,
90 Some said, he’d business ev’ry where;
91 At length the constable prevailed,
92 And those who would not help were jailed;
93 And taking Porter by the collar
94 Commanded all the guards to follow.
95 The Justices received the felon,
96 With greater form then I cantell on,
97 And quitting of their wine and punch,
98 Began upon him. All at once.
99 At length a curious quibble rose,
100 How far the law could interpose,
101 For it was proved and rightly too,
102 That he, the dog, did not pursue
103 The hare, with any ill intent,
104 But only followed by the scent;
105 And she, the hare, by running hard,
106 Thro’ hedge and ditch without regard,
107 Plung’d in a pond and there was drown’d
108 And by a neighb’ring Justice found;
109 Wherefore, tho’ he, the hare annoyed,
110 It can’t be said that he destroy’d;
111 It even can’t be prov’d hebeat her,
112 And ‘to destroy’ must mean to ‘eat her.’
113 Did you ne’er see a gamester struck,
114 With all the symptoms of ill luck,
115 Or mark the visage which appears,
116 When even hope herself despairs;
117 So look’d the bench, and every brother,
118 Sad pictures drew of one another;
119 Till one more learned than the rest,
120 Rose up, and thus the court address’d.
121 “Why Gentlemen, I’ll tell ye how,
122 “Ye may clear up this matter now,
123 “For I am of opinion strong
124 “The dog deserves, and shall be hung.
125 “I’ll prove it by as plain a case,
126 “As is the nose upon your face.”
127 “Now if, suppose, a man, or so,
128 “Should be oblig’d, or not, to go,
129 “About, or not about a case,
130 “To this, or that, or t’other place;
131 “And if another man for fun
132 “Should fire a pistol, (viz.) a gun
133 “And he, the first, by knowing not,
134 “That he, the second man, had shot,
135 “Should undesign’dly meet the bullet,
136 “Against his throat (in Greek) the gullet,
137 “And get such mischief by the hit,
138 “As should unsense him of his wit,
139 “And if that, after that, he died,
140 “D’ye think the other mayn’t be tried:
141 “Most sure he must, and hang’d, because
142 “He fired his gun against the laws;
143 “For ’tis a case most clear and plain,
144 “Had A. not shot B. had not been slain.
145 “So had the dog not chas’d the hare,
146 “She never had been drowned — that’s clear.”
147 This logic, rhetoric, and wit,
148 So nicely did the matter hit,
149 That Porter — tho’ unheard was cast,
150 And in a halter breath’d his last.
151 The Justice, adjourn’d to dine
152 And whet their logic up with wine.
Atlanticus.

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Title (in Source Edition): Curious Story, for the Pennsylvania Magazine
Author: Thomas Paine
Themes:
Genres: occasional poem
Headnote: Pennsylvania Magazine, July 1775

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Cleary, Scott M., ed. Claeys, Gregory, gen. ed. Thomas Paine Collected Writings. Vol. II. Part 2: Poetry. Princeton: Princeton UP, 2026. 5 Volumes.

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