Curious Story, for the Pennsylvania Magazine

Three Justices (so sais my tale)
Once met upon the public weal.
For learning, law, and parts profound,
Their fame was spread the county round;
Each by his wondrous art could tell,
Of things as strange, as Sydrophel;
Or by the help of sturdy ale,
So cleverly could tell a tale,
That half the gaping standers by,
Would laugh aloud. The rest would cry.
Or by the help of nobler wine,
Would knotty points so nice define,
That in an instant right was wrong,
Yet did not hold that station long,
For while they talked of wrong and right
You’d see the question out of sight.
Each knew by practice where to turn
To ev’ry powerful page in Burn,
And could help of note and book
Talk law like Littleton and Coke.
Each knew by instinct when and where,
A farmer caught, or kill’d a hare.
Could tell if any man had got
One hundred pounds, per ann, or not.
Or what was greater, could divine,
If it was only ninety nine,
For when the hundred wanted one
They took away the owners gun.
Knew by the leering of an eye
If girls had lost their chastity,
And if they had not — would divine
Some way to make their virtue shine.
These learned brothers being assembled,
(At which the country fear’d & trembled)
A warrant sent to bringbefore ’em,
One farmer Short who dwelt at Shoreham,
Upon a great and heavy charge,
Which we’ve recited here at large,
That those who were not there might read,
In after days the mighty deed.

Viz.
“That he” the foresaid “farmer Short
“Being by the devill moved, had not,
“One hundred pounds per annum got.
“That having not (in form likewise)
“The fear of God before his eyes,
“By force and arms did keep and cherish,
“Within the fore said town and parish,
“Against the statute so provided.
“A dog. And there the dog abided.
“That he, this dog, did then, and there,
“Pursue and take and kill an hare.
“Which treason was, or some such thing,
“Against our sovereign lord the king.”
The constable was bid to jog
And bring the farmer — not the dog.
But fortune whose perpetual wheel,
Grinds disappointment sharp as steel,
On purpose to attack the pride,
Of those who over others ride,
So nicely brought the matter round,
That farmer Short could not be found,
Which plung’d the bench in so much doubt
They knew not what to go about.
But after pond’ring pro, and con,
And mighty reas’nings thereupon,
They found on opening of the laws,
That he, the dog, aforesaid was,
By being privy to the fact,
Within the meaning of the act,
And since the master had withdrawn,
And was the Lord knew whither gone,
They judg’d it right, and good in law,
That he, the Dog, should answer for
Such crimes, as they by proof could show,
Were acted by himself and co. 
The constable again was sent,
To bring the dog; or dread th’event.
Poor porter right before the door,
Was guarding of his master’s store;
And as the constable approach’d him,
He caught him by the leg & broach’d him;
For Porter thought (if dogs can think)
He came to steal his masters chink.
The man, by virtue of his staff,
Bid people help; not stand and laugh.
On which a mighty route began,
Some blam’d the dog; and some the man.
Some said he had no business there,
Some said, he’d business ev’ry where;
At length the constable prevailed,
And those who would not help were jailed;
And taking Porter by the collar
Commanded all the guards to follow.
The Justices received the felon,
With greater form then I cantell on,
And quitting of their wine and punch,
Began upon him. All at once.
At length a curious quibble rose,
How far the law could interpose,
For it was proved and rightly too,
That he, the dog, did not pursue
The hare, with any ill intent,
But only followed by the scent;
And she, the hare, by running hard,
Thro’ hedge and ditch without regard,
Plung’d in a pond and there was drown’d
And by a neighb’ring Justice found;
Wherefore, tho’ he, the hare annoyed,
It can’t be said that he destroy’d;
It even can’t be prov’d hebeat her,
And ‘to destroy’ must mean to ‘eat her.’
Did you ne’er see a gamester struck,
With all the symptoms of ill luck,
Or mark the visage which appears,
When even hope herself despairs;
So look’d the bench, and every brother,
Sad pictures drew of one another;
Till one more learned than the rest,
Rose up, and thus the court address’d.
“Why Gentlemen, I’ll tell ye how,
“Ye may clear up this matter now,
“For I am of opinion strong
“The dog deserves, and shall be hung.
“I’ll prove it by as plain a case,
“As is the nose upon your face.”
“Now if, suppose, a man, or so,
“Should be oblig’d, or not, to go,
“About, or not about a case,
“To this, or that, or t’other place;
“And if another man for fun
“Should fire a pistol, (viz.) a gun
“And he, the first, by knowing not,
“That he, the second man, had shot,
“Should undesign’dly meet the bullet,
“Against his throat (in Greek) the gullet,
“And get such mischief by the hit,
“As should unsense him of his wit,
“And if that, after that, he died,
“D’ye think the other mayn’t be tried:
“Most sure he must, and hang’d, because
“He fired his gun against the laws;
“For ’tis a case most clear and plain,
“Had A. not shot B. had not been slain.
“So had the dog not chas’d the hare,
“She never had been drowned — that’s clear.”
This logic, rhetoric, and wit,
So nicely did the matter hit,
That Porter — tho’ unheard was cast,
And in a halter breath’d his last.
The Justice, adjourn’d to dine
And whet their logic up with wine.