By the Goddess of Plain Truth, A Manifesto and Proclamation

Mr. Dunlap,

As a news-paper never looks well at Christmas without a little poetry, I have therefore set my muse to work and produced a piece, suited to the times though not to the season, and partaking more of the sharpness of the weather, than the sweetness of a mince-pie; and as this will be the last favour from her Ladyship, at least for this year, you will therefore oblige her with a corner in your next, least the weather should break. Monday morning.

1 Once I was fam’d, and all men call’d me fair,
2 and nymphs and swains besought me with a pray’r;
3 Where e’er I came the maiden ceas’d her grief,
4 And doubting lovers felt a sweet relief;
5 No treacherous tales beguil’d the list’ning ear,
6 No lies were told, no scandal flourish’d there;
7 Together went the friendly heart and tongue,
8 And all the dancing circle laugh’d and sung.
9 One day, a monkey, pert from top to toe,
10 Sometimes a sloven, and sometimes a beau,
11 Sometimes in red, sometimes in blue, or green,
12 And half destroyed with whoring and the spleen,
13 His wit but little; his discretion less;
14 And never right but by a lucky guess;
15 A dunce in council, in the street a blab,
16 Proud as the Devil of his a, b, ab;
17 Vain as a beggar mounted on an ass,
18 And always pleas’d when at a looking glass;
19 Made up and fed with physic, drugs and dregs,
20 And ev’ry month danc’d fairly off his legs;
21 In short, a creature, so perversely cast,
22 That all who know him, know he cannot last.
23 This trifling imp, this prating motley thing,
24 With many a cringe, approach’d our chearful ring;
25 And having cast his wand’ring eyes about,
26 Held forth his useless hand to take me out;
27 Madam, says he — dear madam — sweet and fair —
28 Where all the lilies and the roses are,
29 My heart, dear madam — Oh, could I but tell!
30 Lies like an oyster, trembling in its shell.
31 One Common Sense — the Devil take the fellow!
32 (For that’s the thing that makes me look so yellow)
33 Has so bemaul’d, and will, as I can find,
34 Bemaul us more unless we stop his wind,
35 For all the secrets that we have heknow ’em
36 And will as sure, as God’s in Heavenblow’em.
37 We’d laid the prettiest scheme that you canthink of,
38 And giv’n the public such a dose todrink of,
39 That in little time, we must have gotten,
40 As rich as Cresus, and perhaps as rotten.
41 Now my dear ma’am your name is so well known,
42 That were but half the fame you have, my own,
43 I think, (consid’ring I’ve a world of wit,
44 And never us’d a tittle of it yet)
45 I should be able, with the help of Trim,
46 To knock up Common Sense, both life and limb.
47 For you must know, this dog has such a note,
48 And such a way of warb’ling with his throat,
49 That all we little puppies of the cry,
50 When he begins to bark can scarce reply.
51 Out comes a Crisis — people say ’tis clever,
52 But we may write, and write whole years together
53 Before the public — curse upon their whim!
54 Will give to us, the fame they give to him.
55 Therefore we have determin’d to way lay him,
56 Belie, belabor, hunt him down and slay him.
57 I’ve writ some lines — I’ll read ’em if I’vegot ’em,
58 They’re nothing else but wit from top to bottom,
59 But then, dear madam, wit alone, you know,
60 Without a little truth will never do,
61 And if your Ladyship would be so kind —
62 I dare to say, you understand my mind —
63 Just with the pen — I have it in my hand, —
64 To clap your name — where mine you know should stand.
65 With this, he press’d towards me with a bow,
66 I slapp’d the fellows chaps, and bid him go;
67 Yet not withstanding this, he dar’d to steal
68 In words at length, my signature and seal.
69 By these, then, be it known, thro’ ev’ry street,
70 I post the blockhead as you post a cheat.
truth
Dec. 26th, 1778.
By the goddess’s Command, Retaliatio, Secretary.

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Title (in Source Edition): By the Goddess of Plain Truth, A Manifesto and Proclamation
Author: Thomas Paine
Themes:
Genres: allegory
Headnote: Pennsylvania Packet, 29 December 1778

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Cleary, Scott M., ed. Claeys, Gregory, gen. ed. Thomas Paine Collected Writings. Vol. II. Part 2: Poetry. Princeton: Princeton UP, 2026. 5 Volumes.

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