By the Goddess of Plain Truth, A Manifesto and Proclamation Thomas Paine Alexander Huber Editor Bodleian Libraries, University of Oxford
Broad Street Oxford OX1 3BG UK
Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive
Taylor Institution Library St Giles' Oxford OX1 3NA UK info@eighteenthcenturypoetry.org https://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/
Oxford This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. Cleary, Scott M., ed. Claeys, Gregory, gen. ed. Thomas Paine Collected Writings. Vol. II. Part 2: Poetry. Princeton Princeton UP 2026 pp. []-[]. 5 Volumes.

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By the Goddess of Plain Truth , A Manifesto and Proclamation
Mr. Dunlap ,

As a news-paper never looks well at Christmas without a little poetry , I have therefore set my muse to work and produced a piece , suited to the times though not to the season , and partaking more of the sharpness of the weather , than the sweetness of a mince-pie ; and as this will be the last favour from her Ladyship , at least for this year , you will therefore oblige her with a corner in your next , least the weather should break . Monday morning .

Once I was fam’d , and all men call’d me fair , and nymphs and swains besought me with a pray’r ; Where e’er I came the maiden ceas’d her grief , And doubting lovers felt a sweet relief ; No treacherous tales beguil’d the list’ning ear , No lies were told , no scandal flourish’d there ; Together went the friendly heart and tongue , And all the dancing circle laugh’d and sung . One day , a monkey , pert from top to toe , Sometimes a sloven , and sometimes a beau , Sometimes in red , sometimes in blue , or green , And half destroyed with whoring and the spleen , His wit but little ; his discretion less ; And never right but by a lucky guess ; A dunce in council , in the street a blab , Proud as the Devil of his a , b , ab ; Vain as a beggar mounted on an ass , And always pleas’d when at a looking glass ; Made up and fed with physic , drugs and dregs , And ev’ry month danc’d fairly off his legs ; In short , a creature , so perversely cast , That all who know him , know he cannot last . This trifling imp , this prating motley thing , With many a cringe , approach’d our chearful ring ; And having cast his wand’ring eyes about , Held forth his useless hand to take me out ; Madam , says he — dear madam — sweet and fair — Where all the lilies and the roses are , My heart , dear madam — Oh , could I but tell ! Lies like an oyster , trembling in its shell . One Common Sense — the Devil take the fellow ! ( For that’s the thing that makes me look so yellow ) Has so bemaul’d , and will , as I can find , Bemaul us more unless we stop his wind , For all the secrets that we have he know ’em And will as sure , as God’s in Heaven blow’em . We’d laid the prettiest scheme that you can think of , And giv’n the public such a dose to drink of , That in little time , we must have gotten , As rich as Cresus , and perhaps as rotten . Now my dear ma’am your name is so well known , That were but half the fame you have , my own , I think , ( consid’ring I’ve a world of wit , And never us’d a tittle of it yet ) I should be able , with the help of Trim , To knock up Common Sense , both life and limb . For you must know , this dog has such a note , And such a way of warb’ling with his throat , That all we little puppies of the cry , When he begins to bark can scarce reply . Out comes a Crisis — people say ’tis clever , But we may write , and write whole years together Before the public — curse upon their whim ! Will give to us , the fame they give to him . Therefore we have determin’d to way lay him , Belie , belabor , hunt him down and slay him . I’ve writ some lines — I’ll read ’em if I’ve got ’em , They’re nothing else but wit from top to bottom , But then , dear madam , wit alone , you know , Without a little truth will never do , And if your Ladyship would be so kind — I dare to say , you understand my mind — Just with the pen — I have it in my hand , — To clap your name — where mine you know should stand . With this , he press’d towards me with a bow , I slapp’d the fellows chaps , and bid him go ; Yet not withstanding this , he dar’d to steal In words at length , my signature and seal . By these , then , be it known , thro ’ ev’ry street , I post the blockhead as you post a cheat . truth Dec. 26th , 1778. By the goddess’s Command , Retaliatio , Secretary .