Curious Story, for the Pennsylvania Magazine Thomas Paine Alexander Huber Editor Bodleian Libraries, University of Oxford
Broad Street Oxford OX1 3BG UK
Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive
Taylor Institution Library St Giles' Oxford OX1 3NA UK info@eighteenthcenturypoetry.org https://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/
Oxford This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. Cleary, Scott M., ed. Claeys, Gregory, gen. ed. Thomas Paine Collected Writings. Vol. II. Part 2: Poetry. Princeton Princeton UP 2026 pp. []-[]. 5 Volumes.

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Curious Story , for the Pennsylvania Magazine

The following story , ridiculous as it is , is a fact . A farmer at New Shoreham near Brighthelmstone in England , having voted in an election for a member of parliament , contrary to the pleasure of three neighbouring Justices , they took revenge upon his dog , which they caused to be hung , for starting a hare on the road . The piece have been very little seen , never published , nor any copies ever taken .

Three Justices ( so sais my tale ) Once met upon the public weal . For learning , law , and parts profound , Their fame was spread the county round ; Each by his wondrous art could tell , Of things as strange , as Sydrophel ; Or by the help of sturdy ale , So cleverly could tell a tale , That half the gaping standers by , Would laugh aloud . The rest would cry . Or by the help of nobler wine , Would knotty points so nice define , That in an instant right was wrong , Yet did not hold that station long , For while they talked of wrong and right You’d see the question out of sight . Each knew by practice where to turn To ev’ry powerful page in Burn , And could help of note and book Talk law like Littleton and Coke . Each knew by instinct when and where , A farmer caught , or kill’d a hare . Could tell if any man had got One hundred pounds , per ann , or not . Or what was greater , could divine , If it was only ninety nine , For when the hundred wanted one They took away the owners gun . Knew by the leering of an eye If girls had lost their chastity , And if they had not — would divine Some way to make their virtue shine . These learned brothers being assembled , ( At which the country fear’d & trembled ) A warrant sent to bring before ’em , One farmer Short who dwelt at Shoreham , Upon a great and heavy charge , Which we’ve recited here at large , That those who were not there might read , In after days the mighty deed . Viz. “ That he ” the foresaid “ farmer Short “ Being by the devill moved , had not , “ One hundred pounds per annum got . “ That having not ( in form likewise ) “ The fear of God before his eyes , “ By force and arms did keep and cherish , “ Within the fore said town and parish , “ Against the statute so provided . “ A dog . And there the dog abided . “ That he , this dog , did then , and there , “ Pursue and take and kill an hare . “ Which treason was , or some such thing , “ Against our sovereign lord the king . ” The constable was bid to jog And bring the farmer — not the dog . But fortune whose perpetual wheel , Grinds disappointment sharp as steel , On purpose to attack the pride , Of those who over others ride , So nicely brought the matter round , That farmer Short could not be found , Which plung’d the bench in so much doubt They knew not what to go about . But after pond’ring pro , and con , And mighty reas’nings thereupon , They found on opening of the laws , That he , the dog , aforesaid was , By being privy to the fact , Within the meaning of the act , And since the master had withdrawn , And was the Lord knew whither gone , They judg’d it right , and good in law , That he , the Dog , should answer for Such crimes , as they by proof could show , Were acted by himself and co. The constable again was sent , To bring the dog ; or dread th’event . Poor porter right before the door , Was guarding of his master’s store ; And as the constable approach’d him , He caught him by the leg & broach’d him ; For Porter thought ( if dogs can think ) He came to steal his masters chink . The man , by virtue of his staff , Bid people help ; not stand and laugh . On which a mighty route began , Some blam’d the dog ; and some the man . Some said he had no business there , Some said , he’d business ev’ry where ; At length the constable prevailed , And those who would not help were jailed ; And taking Porter by the collar Commanded all the guards to follow . The Justices received the felon , With greater form then I can tell on , And quitting of their wine and punch , Began upon him . All at once . At length a curious quibble rose , How far the law could interpose , For it was proved and rightly too , That he , the dog , did not pursue The hare , with any ill intent , But only followed by the scent ; And she , the hare , by running hard , Thro ’ hedge and ditch without regard , Plung’d in a pond and there was drown’d And by a neighb’ring Justice found ; Wherefore , tho ’ he , the hare annoyed , It can’t be said that he destroy’d ; It even can’t be prov’d he beat her , And ‘ to destroy ’ must mean to ‘ eat her . ’ Did you ne’er see a gamester struck , With all the symptoms of ill luck , Or mark the visage which appears , When even hope herself despairs ; So look’d the bench , and every brother , Sad pictures drew of one another ; Till one more learned than the rest , Rose up , and thus the court address’d . “ Why Gentlemen , I’ll tell ye how , “ Ye may clear up this matter now , “ For I am of opinion strong “ The dog deserves , and shall be hung . “ I’ll prove it by as plain a case , “ As is the nose upon your face . ” “ Now if , suppose , a man , or so , “ Should be oblig’d , or not , to go , “ About , or not about a case , “ To this , or that , or t’other place ; “ And if another man for fun “ Should fire a pistol , ( viz. ) a gun “ And he , the first , by knowing not , “ That he , the second man , had shot , “ Should undesign’dly meet the bullet , “ Against his throat ( in Greek ) the gullet , “ And get such mischief by the hit , “ As should unsense him of his wit , “ And if that , after that , he died , “ D’ye think the other mayn’t be tried : “ Most sure he must , and hang’d , because “ He fired his gun against the laws ; “ For ’tis a case most clear and plain , “ Had A. not shot B. had not been slain . “ So had the dog not chas’d the hare , “ She never had been drowned — that’s clear . ” This logic , rhetoric , and wit , So nicely did the matter hit , That Porter — tho ’ unheard was cast , And in a halter breath’d his last . The Justice , adjourn’d to dine And whet their logic up with wine .
Atlanticus .