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The Progress of DULNESS.

[Part III.] The Progress of Coquetry.

1 "COME hither, Harriet, pretty Miss,
2 Come hither; give your aunt a kiss.
3 What, blushing? fye, hold up your head.
4 Full six years old, and yet afraid!
5 With such a form, an air, a grace,
6 You're not asham'd to shew your face!
7 Look like a Lady bold my Child
8 Why, Ma'am, your Harriet will be spoil'd.
9 What pity 'tis, a girl so sprightly
10 Should hang her head so unpolitely?
11 And sure there's nothing worth arush in
12 That odd, unnatural trick of blushing;
13 It marks one ungenteelly bred,
14 And shows she's mischief in her head.
15 I've heard Dick Hairbrain prove from Paul,
16 Eve never blush'd before the fall.
17 'Tis said indeed, in later days,
18 It gain'd our grandmothers some praise;
19 Perhaps it suited well enough
20 With hoop and fardingale and ruff;
21 But this politer generation
22 Hold ruffs and blushes out of fashion.
23 And what can mean that gown so odd?
24 You ought to dress her in the mode,
25 To teach her how to make a figure;
26 Or she'll be awkward when she's bigger,
27 And look as queer as Joan of Nokes,
28 And never rig like other folks;
29 Her cloaths will trail, all fashion lost,
30 As if she hung them on a post,
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31 And sit as awkwardly as Eve's
32 First peagreen petticoat of leaves.
33 And what can mean your simple whim here
34 To keep her poring on her primmer?
35 'Tis quite enough for girls to know,
36 If she can read a billet-doux,
37 Or write a line you'd understand
38 Without an alphabet o'th' hand.
39 Why needs she learn to write, or spell?
40 A pothook-scrawl is just as well;
41 It ranks her with the better sort,
42 For 'tis the reigning mode at court.
43 And why should girls be learn'd or wise?
44 Books only serve to spoil their eyes.
45 The studious eye but faintly twinkles,
46 And reading paves the way to wrinkles.
47 In vain may learning fill the head full:
48 'Tis Beauty that's the one thing needful;
49 Beauty, our sex's sole pretence,
50 The best receipt for female sense,
51 The charm, that turns all words to witty,
52 And makes the silliest speeches pretty.
53 Ev'n folly borrows killing graces
54 From ruby lips and roseate faces.
55 Give airs and beauty to your daughter,
56 And sense and wit will follow after. "
57 Thus round the infant Miss in state
58 The council of the Ladies meet,
59 And gay in modern style and fashion
60 Prescribe their rules of education.
61 The Mother, once herself a toast,
62 Prays for her child the self-same post;
63 The Father hates the toil and pother,
64 And leaves his daughters to their mother;
65 A proper hand their youth to guide,
66 And o'er their studies to preside;
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67 From whom her faults, that never vary,
68 May come by right hereditary,
69 Follies be multiplied with quickness,
70 And whims keep up the family likeness.
71 Ye Parents, shall those forms so fair,
72 The Graces might be proud to wear,
73 The charms those speaking eyes display,
74 Where passion sits in ev'ry ray,
75 Th' expressive glance, the air refin'd,
76 That sweet vivacity of mind,
77 Be doom'd for life to folly's sway,
78 By trifles lur'd, to fops a prey,
79 Blank all the pow'rs that nature gave,
80 To dress and tinsel-show the slave!
81 Say, can ye think that charms so bright,
82 Were giv'n alone to please the sight,
83 Or like the moon, that forms so fine
84 Were made for nothing but to shine?
85 With lips of rose and cheeks of cherry,
86 Out go the works of statuary?
87 And gain the prize of show, as victors
88 O'er busts and effigies and pictures?
89 Can female Sense no trophies raise?
90 Are dress and beauty all their praise?
91 And does no lover hope to find
92 An angel in his charmer's mind?
93 First from the dust our sex began.
94 But woman was refin'd from man;
95 Receiv'd again, with softer air,
96 The great Creator's forming care.
97 And shall it no attention claim
98 Their beauteous infant souls to frame.
99 Shall half your precepts tend the while
100 Fair nature's lovely work to spoil,
101 The native innocence deface,
102 The glowing blush, the modest grace,
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103 On follies fix their young desire,
104 To trifles bid their souls aspire,
105 Fill their gay heads with whims of fashion,
106 And slight all other cultivation,
107 Let ev'ry useless barren weed
108 Of foolish fancy run to seed,
109 And make their minds the receptacle
110 Of ev'ry thing that's false and fickle,
111 Where gay Caprice with wanton air,
112 And Vanity keep constant fair,
113 Where ribbands, laces, patches, puffs,
114 Caps, jewels, ruffles, tippets, muffs,
115 With gaudy whims of vain parade,
116 Croud each apartment of the head,
117 Where stands display'd with costly pains
118 The toyshop of Coquettish brains,
119 And high-crown'd caps hang out the sign,
120 And beaus, as customers throng in;
121 Whence Sense is banish'd in disgrace,
122 Where Wisdom dares not shew her face,
123 Where calm Reflection cannot live,
124 Nor thought sublime an hour survive;
125 Where the light head and vacant brain
126 Spoil all ideas they contain,
127 As th' airpump kills in half a minute
128 Each living thing you put within it.
129 It must be so; by antient rule
130 The Fair are nurst in Folly's school,
131 And all their education done
132 Is none at all, or worse than none;
133 Whence still proceed in maid or wife,
134 The follies and the ills of life.
135 Learning is call'd our mental diet,
136 That serves the hungry mind to quiet,
137 That gives the genius fresh supplies,
138 Till souls grow up to common size:
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139 But here, despising sense refin'd,
140 Gay trifles feed the youthful mind.
141 Chamaeleons thus, whose colours airy
142 As often as Coquettes can vary,
143 Despise all dishes rich and rare,
144 And diet wholly on the air;
145 Think fogs blest eating, nothing finer,
146 And can on whirlwinds make a dinner.
147 And thronging all to feast together,
148 Fare daintily in blustring weather.
149 Here to the Fair alone remain
150 Long years of action spent in vain;
151 In numbers little skill it shows
152 To cast the sum of all she knows.
153 Perhaps she learns (what can she less?)
154 The arts of dancing and of dress.
155 But dress and dancing are to women,
156 Their education's mint and cummin;
157 These lighter graces should be taught,
158 And weightier matters not forgot.
159 For there, where only these are shown,
160 The soul will fix on these alone.
161 Then most the fineries of dress
162 Her thoughts, her wish and time possess;
163 She values only to be gay,
164 And works to rig herself for play;
165 Weaves scores of caps with diff'rent spires,
166 And all varieties of wires;
167 Gay ruffles varying just as flow'd
168 The tides and ebbings of the mode;
169 Bright flow'rs, and topknots waving high,
170 That float, like streamers in the sky;
171 Work'd catgut handkerchiefs, whose flaws
172 Display the neck, as well as gauze;
173 Or network aprons somewhat thinnish,
174 That cost but six weeks time to finish,
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175 And yet so neat, as you must own
176 You could not buy for half a crown
177 Perhaps in youth (for country-fashions
178 Prescrib'd that mode of educations)
179 She wastes long months in still more tawdry,
180 And useless labours of embroid'ry;
181 With toil weaves up for chairs together,
182 Six bottoms quite as good as leather;
183 A set of curtains tap'stry work,
184 The figures frowning like the Turk;
185 A tentstitch picture, work of folly,
186 With portraits wrought of Dick and Polly;
187 A coat of arms, that mark'd her house,
188 Three owls rampant, the crest a goose:
189 Or shews in waxwork Goodman Adam,
190 And Serpent gay, gallanting Madam,
191 A woeful mimickry of Eden,
192 With fruit, that needs not be forbidden:
193 All useless works, that fill for Beauties
194 Of time and sense their vast vacuities;
195 Of sense, which reading might bestow,
196 And time, whose worth they never know.
197 Now to some pop'lous city sent,
198 She comes back prouder than she went;
199 Few months in vain parade she spares,
200 Nor learns, but apes, politer airs;
201 So formal acts, with such a set air,
202 That country-manners far were better.
203 This springs from want of just discerning,
204 As pedantry from want of learning;
205 And proves this maxim true to sight,
206 The half-genteel are least polite.
207 Yet still that active spark, the mind
208 Employment constantly will find,
209 And when on trifles most 'tis bent,
210 Is always found most diligent;
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211 For, weighty works men shew mostsloth in,
212 But labour hard at Doing Nothing,
213 A trade, that needs no deep concern,
214 Or long apprenticeship to learn,
215 To which mankind at first apply
216 As naturally as to cry,
217 Till at the last their latest groan
218 Proclaims their idleness is done.
219 Good sense, like fruits, is rais'd by toil;
220 But follies sprout in ev'ry soil,
221 And where no tillage finds a place,
222 They grow, like tares, the more apace,
223 Nor culture, pains, nor planting need,
224 As moss and mushrooms have no seed.
225 Thus Harriet, rising on the stage,
226 Learns all the arts, that please the age,
227 And studies well, as fits her station,
228 The trade and politics of fashion:
229 A judge of modes, in silks and sattens,
230 From tassels down to clogs and pattens;
231 A genius, that can calculate
232 When modes of dress are out of date,
233 Cast the nativity with ease
234 Of gowns, and sacks and negligees,
235 And tell, exact to half a minute,
236 What's out of fashion and what'sin it;
237 And scanning all with curious eye
238 Minutest faults in dresses spy;
239 (So in nice points of sight, a flea
240 Sees atoms better far than we,)
241 A Patriot too, she greatly labours,
242 To spread her arts among her neighbours,
243 Holds correspondencies to learn
244 What facts the female world concern,
245 To gain authentic state-reports
246 Of varied modes in distant courts,
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247 The present state and swift decays
248 Of tuckers, handkerchiefs and stays,
249 The colour'd silk that Beauties wraps,
250 And all the rise and fall of caps.
251 Then shines, a pattern to the fair,
252 Of mein, address and modish air,
253 Of ev'ry new, affected grace,
254 That plays the eye, or decks the face,
255 The artful smile, that beauty warms,
256 And all th' hypocrisy of charms.
257 On sunday see the haughty Maid
258 In all the glare of dress aray'd,
259 Deck'd in her most fantastic gown,
260 Because a stranger's come to town.
261 Heedless at church she spends the day
262 For homelier folks may serve to pray,
263 And for devotion those may go,
264 Who can have nothing else to do.
265 Beauties at church must spend theircare in
266 Far other work, than pious hearing;
267 They've Beaus to conquer, Belles to rival;
268 To make them serious were uncivil.
269 For, like the preacher, they each sunday
270 Must do their whole week's work inone day.
271 As tho' they meant to take by blows
272 Th' opposing galleries of Beaus,
273 To church the female Squadron move,
274 All arm'd with weapons used in love.
275 Like colour'd ensigns gay and fair,
276 High caps rise floating in the air;
277 Bright silk its varied radiance-flings,
278 And streamers wave in kissing-strings;
279 Their darts and arrows are not seen,
280 But lovers tell us what they mean;
281 Each bears th' artill'ry of her charms,
282 Like training bands at viewing arms.
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283 So once, in fear of Indian beating,
284 Our grandsires bore their guns to meeting,
285 Each man equipp'd on sunday morn,
286 With psalm-book, shot and powder-horn;
287 And look'd in form, as all must grant,
288 Like th' antient, true church militant;
289 Or fierce, like modern deep Divines,
290 Who fight with quills, like porcupines.
291 Or let us turn the style and see
292 Our Belles assembled o'er their tea;
293 Where folly sweetens ev'ry theme,
294 And scandal serves for sugar'd cream.
295 "And did you hear the news? (they cry)
296 The court wear caps full three feet high,
297 Built gay with wire, and at the end on't,
298 Red tassels streaming like a pendant:
299 Well sure, it must be vastly pretty;
300 'Tis all the fashion in the city.
301 And were you at the ball last night?
302 Well Chloe look'd like any fright;
303 Her day is over for a toast;
304 She'd now do best to act a ghost.
305 You saw our Fanny; envy must own
306 She figures, since she came from Boston,
307 Good company improves one's air
308 I think the troops were station'd there.
309 Poor Caelia ventur'd to the place;
310 The small-pox quite has spoil'd her face.
311 A sad affair, we all confest:
312 But providence knows what is best.
313 Poor Dolly too, that writ the letter
314 Of love to Dick; but Dick knew better;
315 A secret that; you'll notdisclose it:
316 There's not a person livingknows it.
317 Sylvia shone out, no peacock finer;
318 I wonder what the fops seein her.
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319 Perhaps 'tis true, what Harry maintains,
320 She mends on intimate acquaintance."
321 Hail British Lands! to whom belongs
322 Untroubled privilege of tongues,
323 Blest gift of freedom, priz'd as rare
324 By all, but dearest to the fair;
325 From grandmothers of loud renown,
326 Thro' long succession handed down,
327 Thence with affection kind and hearty,
328 Bequeath'd unlessen'd to poster'ty!
329 And all ye Pow'rs of slander, hail,
330 Who teach to censure and to rail!
331 By you, kind aids to prying eyes,
332 Minutest faults the fair one spies,
333 And specks in rival toasts can mind,
334 Which no one else could ever find;
335 By shrewdest hints and doubtful guesses,
336 Tears reputations all in pieces;
337 Points out what smiles to sin advance,
338 Finds assignations in a glance;
339 And shews how rival toasts (you'll think)
340 Break all commandments with a wink.
341 So Priests drive poets to the lurch
342 By fulminations of the church,
343 Mark in our titlepage our crimes.
344 Find heresies in double rhymes,
345 Charge tropes with damnable opinion,
346 And prove a metaphor Arminian,
347 Peep for our doctrines, as at windows,
348 And pick out creeds of innuendoes.
349 And now the conversation sporting
350 From scandal turns to trying fortune.
351 Their future luck the fair foresee
352 In dreams, in cards, but most in tea.
353 Each finds of love some future trophy
354 In settlings left of tea, or coffee.
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355 There fate displays its book, she believes,
356 And Lovers swim in form of tea-leaves;
357 Where oblong stalks she takes for Beaus,
358 And squares of leaves for billet-doux,
359 Gay balls in parboil'd fragments rise,
360 And specks for kisses greet her eyes.
361 So Roman Augurs wont to pry
362 In victims hearts for prophecy,
363 Sought from the future world advices,
364 By lights and lungs of sacrifices,
365 And read with eyes more sharp than wizards,
366 The book of fate in pigeon's gizzards;
367 Could tell what chief would be survivor,
368 From aspects of an oxes liver,
369 And cast what luck would fall in fights,
370 By trine and quartile of its lights.
371 Yet that we fairly may proceed,
372 We own that Ladies sometimes read,
373 And grieve that reading is confin'd
374 To books that poison all the mind;
375 The bluster of romance, that fills
376 The head brimfull of purling rills,
377 Inspires with dreams the witless maiden
378 On flow'ry vales, and fields Arcadian,
379 And swells the mind with haughty fancies,
380 And am'rous follies of romances,
381 With whims that in no place exist,
382 But author's heads and woman's breast.
383 For while she reads romance, the Fair one
384 Fails not to think herself the Heroine;
385 For ev'ry glance, or smile, or grace,
386 She finds resemblance in her face,
387 Thinks while the fancied beauties strike,
388 Two peas were never more alike,
389 Expects the world to fallbefore her,
390 And ev'ry fop she meetsadore her.
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391 Thus Harriet reads, and reading really
392 Believes herself a young Pamela,
393 The high-wrought whim, the tender strain
394 Elate her mind and turn her brain:
395 Before her glass, with smiling grace,
396 She views the wonders of her face;
397 There stands in admiration moveless,
398 And hopes a Grandison, or Lovelace.
399 Then shines She forth, and round her hovers
400 The powder'd swarm of bowing Lovers;
401 By flames of love attracted thither,
402 Fops, scholars, dunces, cits, together.
403 No lamp expos'd in nightly skies
404 E'er gather'd such a swarm of flies;
405 Or flame in tube electric draws
406 Such thronging multitudes of straws.
407 (For I shall still take similes
408 From fire electric when I please.)
409 With vast confusion swells the sound,
410 When all the Coxcombs flutter round.
411 What undulation wide of bows!
412 What gentle oaths and am'rous vows!
413 What doubl 'entendres all so smart!
414 What sighs hot-piping from the heart!
415 What jealous leers! what angry brawls
416 To gain the Lady's hand at balls!
417 What billet-doux, brimful of flame!
418 Acrostics lined with Harriet's name!
419 What compliments o'erstrain'd with telling
420 Sad lies of Venus and of Hellen!
421 What wits half-crack'd with common places
422 On angels, goddesses and graces!
423 On fires of love what witty puns!
424 What similes of stars and suns!
425 What cringing, dancing, ogling, sighing,
426 What languishing for love, and dying!
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427 For Lovers of all things that breathe
428 Are most expos'd to sudden death,
429 And many a swain much fam'd in rhymes
430 Hath died some hundred thousand times:
431 Yet tho' love oft their breath may stifle,
432 'Tis sung it hurts them but a trifle.
433 The swain revives by equal wonder,
434 As snakes will join when cut asunder,
435 And often murther'd still survives;
436 No cat hath half so many lives.
437 While round the fair, the Coxcombs throng
438 With oath, card, billet-doux, and song,
439 She spread her charms and wish'd to gain
440 The heart of ev'ry simple swain;
441 To all with gay, alluring air,
442 She hid in smiles the fatal snare,
443 For sure that snare must fatal prove,
444 Where falshood wears the form of love;
445 Full oft with pleasing transport hung
446 On accents of each flattring tongue,
447 And found a pleasure most sincere
448 From each erect, attentive ear;
449 For pride was hers, that oft with ease,
450 Despis'd the man, she wish'd to please.
451 She lov'd the chace, but scorn'd the prey,
452 And fish'd for hearts to throw away;
453 Joy'd at the tale of piercing darts,
454 And tortring flames and pining hearts,
455 And pleas'd perus'd the billet-doux,
456 That said, "I die for love of you;"
457 Found conquest in each gallant's sighs,
458 And blest the murders of her eyes.
459 So Doctors live but by the dead,
460 And pray for plagues, as daily bread;
461 Thank providence for colds and fevers,
462 And hold consumptions special favors;
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463 And think diseases kindly made,
464 As blest materials of their trade.
465 'Twould weary all the pow'rs of verse
466 Their am'rous speeches to rehearse,
467 Their compliments, whose vain parade
468 Turns Venus to a kitchen-maid;
469 With high pretence of love and honor,
470 They vent their folly all upon her,
471 (Ev'n as the scripture-precept saith,
472 More shall be given to him that hath;)
473 Tell her how wondrous fair they deem her,
474 How handsome all the world esteem her;
475 And while they flatter and adore,
476 She contradicts to call for more.
477 "And did they say I was so handsome?
478 My looks I'm sure no one can fancy 'em.
479 'Tis true we're all as we were fram'd,
480 And none have right to be asham'd;
481 But as for beauty all can tell
482 I never fancied I look'd well;
483 I were a fright, had I a grain less.
484 You're only joking, Mr. Brainless."
485 Yet Beauty still maintain'd her sway;
486 And bade the proudest hearts obey;
487 Ev'n Sense her glances could beguile,
488 And vanquish'd Wisdom with a smile:
489 While Merit bow'd and found no arms,
490 T' oppose the conquests of her charms,
491 Caught all those bashful fears, that place
492 The mask of folly on the face,
493 That awe, that robs our airs of ease,
494 And blunders, when it hopes to please;
495 For men of sense will always prove
496 The most forlorn of fools in love.
497 The fair esteem'd, admir'd, 'tis true,
498 And prais'd 'tis all Coquettes can do.
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499 And when deserving Lovers came
500 Believ'd her smiles and own'd their flame,
501 Her bosom thrill'd, with joy affected
502 T' increase the list, she had rejected;
503 While pleas'd to see her arts prevail,
504 To each she told the self-same tale.
505 She wish'd in truth they ne'er had seen her,
506 And feign'd what grief it oft had giv'n her,
507 And sad, of tender-hearted make,
508 Griev'd they were ruin'd for her sake.
509 'Twas true, she own'd on recollection,
510 She'd giv'n them proofs of kind affection:
511 But they mistook her whole intent,
512 For friendship was the thing she meant.
513 She wonder'd how their hearts couldmove 'em
514 So strangely as to think she'dlove 'em;
515 She thought her purity above
516 The low and sensual flames of love;
517 And yet they made such sad ado,
518 She wish'd she could have lov'd them too.
519 She pitied them and as a friend
520 She priz'd them more than all mankind;
521 And begg'd them not their hearts to vex,
522 Or hang themselves, or break their necks;
523 Told them 'twould make her life uneasy,
524 If they should run forlorn, or crazy:
525 Objects of love she could notdeem 'em;
526 But did most marv'louslyesteem 'em.
527 For 'tis Esteem, Coquettes dispense
528 Tow'rd learning, genius, worth and sense,
529 Sincere affection, truth refin'd,
530 And all the merit of the mind.
531 But Love's the passion they experience
532 For gold, and dress, and gay appearance.
533 For ah! what magic charms and graces
534 Are found in golden suits of laces!
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535 What going forth of hearts and souls
536 Tow'rd glares of gilded button-holes!
537 What Lady's heart can stand its ground
538 'Gainst hats with glittring edging bound?
539 While vests and shoes and hose conspire,
540 And gloves and ruffles fan the fire;
541 And broadcloths, cut by tailor's arts,
542 Spread fatal nets for female hearts.
543 And oh, what charms more potent shine,
544 Drawn from the dark Peruvian mine!
545 What spells and talismans of Venus
546 Are found in dollars, crowns and guineas!
547 In purse of gold, a single stiver
548 Beats all the darts in Cupid's quiver.
549 What heart so constant, but must veer,
550 When drawn by thousand pounds a year!
551 How many fair ones ev'ry day
552 To houses fine have fall'n a prey,
553 Been forced on stores of goods to fix,
554 Or carried off in coach and fix!
555 For Caelia merit found no dart;
556 Five thousand sterling broke her heart.
557 So witches, hunters sayconfound 'em,
558 For silver bullets onlywound 'em.
559 Cupid of old, as poets say,
560 But barter'd hearts in simple way;
561 Our modern Cupid's wiser found,
562 And goes to work on surer ground,
563 Like Lawyer's joins the monied faction,
564 Thinks gold the surest cause of action,
565 But where of money not acopper is,
566 Rejects all suits in forma pauperis;
567 Admits the rich to bliss and glory,
568 And sends the poor to purgatory.
569 And now the time was come, our Fair
570 Should all the plagues of passion share,
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571 And after ev'ry heart she'd won,
572 By sad disaster lose her own.
573 So true the antient proverb sayeth,
574 "Edge tools are dang'rous things to play with;"
575 The fisher, ev'ry gudgeon hooking,
576 May chance himself to catch a ducking;
577 The child that plays with fire, in pain
578 Will burn its fingers now and then;
579 And from the Dutchess to the laundress,
580 Coquets are seldom salamanders.
581 For lo! Dick Hairbrain heaves in sight,
582 From foreign climes returning bright,
583 A Coxcomb, past all mortal matching,
584 Well worth a Lady's pains in catching;
585 He danc'd, he sung to admiration;
586 He swore to gen'ral acceptation;
587 In airs and dress so great his merit,
588 He shone no Lady's eyes couldbear it.
589 Poor Harriet saw; her heart was stouter;
590 She gather'd all her smilesabout her;
591 Hoped by her eyes to gain the laurels,
592 And charm him down, as snakes do squirrels;
593 So priz'd his love and wish'd towin it,
594 That all her hopes were center'din it;
595 And took such pains his heart to move,
596 Herself fell desp'rately in love;
597 Nor had the art to keep it private,
598 Dick soon found what she meant todrive at.
599 Tho' great her skill in am'rous tricks,
600 She could not hope to equal Dick's:
601 Her fate she ventur'd on his trial,
602 And lost her birthright of denial.
603 And here her brightest hopes miscarry;
604 For Dick was too gallant to marry:
605 He own'd she'd charms for those whoneed 'em.
606 But he, be sure, was all for freedom;
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607 So, left in hopeless flames to burn,
608 Gay Dick esteem'd her in turn.
609 In love, a Lady once giv'n over
610 Is never fated to recover,
611 Doom'd to indulge her troubled fancies
612 And feed her passion by romances;
613 And always am'rous, always changing,
614 From coxcomb still to coxcomb ranging,
615 Finds in her heart a void, which still
616 Succeeding Beaus can never fill:
617 As shadows vary o'er a glass,
618 Each holds in turn the vacant place;
619 She doats upon her earliest pain,
620 And following thousands loves in vain.
621 Poor Harriet now hath had her day;
622 No more the Beaus confess her sway;
623 New Beauties push her from the stage;
624 She trembles at th' approach of age,
625 And starts to view the alter'd face,
626 That wrinkles at her in her glass:
627 So Satan, in the monk's tradition,
628 Fear'd, when he met his apparition.
629 At length her name each Coxcomb cancels
630 From standing lists of toasts and angels;
631 And slighted where she shone before,
632 A grace and goddess now no more,
633 Depriv'd of long-accustom'd pleasure
634 In daily falshoods told topraise her;
635 Despis'd by all, and doom'd to meet
636 Her lovers at her rival's feet,
637 She flies assemblies, shuns the ball,
638 And cries out, Vanity, on all;
639 Affects to scorn the tinsel-shows
640 Of glittring Belles and gaudy Beaus;
641 Nor longer hopes to hide by dress
642 The tracks of age upon her face.
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643 Now careless grown of airs polite,
644 Her noonday nightcap meets the sight;
645 Her hair uncomb'd collects together,
646 With ornament of many a feather;
647 Her stays for easiness thrown by,
648 Her rumpled handkerchief awry,
649 A careless figure half undrest,
650 (The reader's wits may guess the rest)
651 All points of dress and neatness carried,
652 As tho' she'd been a twelvemonth married;
653 She spends her breath, as years prevail,
654 At this sad, wicked world to rail,
655 To slander all her sex impromptu,
656 And wonder what the times willcome to.
657 Tom Brainless at the close of last year
658 Had been six years a rev'rend Pastor,
659 And now resolv'd to smooth his life,
660 To seek the blessing of a wife.
661 His brethren saw his am'rous temper,
662 And recommended fair Miss Simper,
663 Who fond, they heard, of sacred truth,
664 Had left her levities of youth,
665 Grown fit forth ministerial union,
666 And grave, as Christian's wife in Bunyan.
667 On this he rigg'd him in his best,
668 And got his old grey wig new-drest,
669 Fix'd on his suit of sable stuffs,
670 And brush'd the powder from the cuffs,
671 With black silk stockings, yet in being,
672 The same he took his firstdegree in;
673 Procur'd a horse of breed from Europe,
674 And learn'd to mount him by the stirrup,
675 And set forth fierce to court the Maid;
676 His white hair'd Deacon went for aid;
677 And on the right in solemn mode,
678 The Reverend Mr. Brainless rode.
[Page 28]
679 Thus grave, the courtly pair advance,
680 Like knight and squire in fam'd romance;
681 The Priest then bow'd in sober gesture,
682 And all in scripture termsaddrest her;
683 He'd found for reasons amply known,
684 It was not good to be alone,
685 And thought his duty led to trying
686 The great command of multiplying;
687 So with submission, by her leave,
688 He'd come to look him out an Eve,
689 And hoped, in pilgrimage of life,
690 To find an helpmeet in a wife,
691 A wife discreet and fair withal,
692 To make amends for Adam's fall.
693 In short, the bargain finish'd soon,
694 A reverend Doctor made them one.
695 And now the joyful peoplerouze all
696 To celebrate their Priest's espousal;
697 And first, by kind agreement set,
698 In case their Priest a wife could get,
699 The parish vote him five pounds clear,
700 T' increase his salary every year.
701 Then swift the tagrag gentry come
702 To welcome Madam Brainless home;
703 Wish their good Parson joy; vHth pride
704 In order round salute the bride;
705 At home, at visits and at meetings,
706 To Madam all allow precedence:
707 Greet her at church with rev'rence due,
708 And next the pulpit fix her pew.

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Title (in Source Edition): The Progress of DULNESS. [Part III.] The Progress of Coquetry.
Author: John Trumbull
Themes:
Genres: allegory

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Source edition

Trumbull, John, 1750-1831. The progress of dulness. Part third, and last: sometimes called, The progress of coquetry, or The adventures of Miss Harriet Simper, of the colony of Connecticut. Containing advice of the ladies to Harriet's mother concerning education. Address to parents, Harriet's studies, skill in fashions, scandal and romances; with the consequent occurrences of her life by way of illustration of the moral of the work. : For the use of the ladies and their parents. : [Two lines in Latin from Virgil.] New-Haven;: Printed by Thomas and Samuel Green, near the college, 1773, pp. []-28. viii, [1], 10-28 p. ; 17 cm. (4to) (OTA N10282)

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