The Progress of DULNESS. [Part III.] The Progress of Coquetry. John Trumbull Alexander Huber Editor Bodleian Libraries, University of Oxford
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Oxford This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. N10282 Trumbull, John, 1750-1831. The progress of dulness. Part third, and last: sometimes called, The progress of coquetry, or The adventures of Miss Harriet Simper, of the colony of Connecticut. Containing advice of the ladies to Harriet's mother concerning education. Address to parents, Harriet's studies, skill in fashions, scandal and romances; with the consequent occurrences of her life by way of illustration of the moral of the work. : For the use of the ladies and their parents. : [Two lines in Latin from Virgil.] New-Haven; Printed by Thomas and Samuel Green, near the college 1773 pp. []-28. viii, [1], 10-28 p. ; 17 cm. (4to)

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The Progress of DULNESS . [ Part III . ] The Progress of Coquetry . " COME hither , Harriet , pretty Miss , Come hither ; give your aunt a kiss . What , blushing ? fye , hold up your head . Full six years old , and yet afraid ! With such a form , an air , a grace , You're not asham'd to shew your face ! Look like a Lady — bold — my Child — Why , Ma'am , your Harriet will be spoil'd . What pity 'tis , a girl so sprightly Should hang her head so unpolitely ? And sure there's nothing worth a rush in That odd , unnatural trick of blushing ; It marks one ungenteelly bred , And shows she's mischief in her head . I've heard Dick Hairbrain prove from Paul , Eve never blush'd before the fall . 'Tis said indeed , in later days , It gain'd our grandmothers some praise ; Perhaps it suited well enough With hoop and fardingale and ruff ; But this politer generation Hold ruffs and blushes out of fashion . And what can mean that gown so odd ? You ought to dress her in the mode , To teach her how to make a figure ; Or she'll be awkward when she's bigger , And look as queer as Joan of Nokes , And never rig like other folks ; Her cloaths will trail , all fashion lost , As if she hung them on a post , And sit as awkwardly as Eve's First peagreen petticoat of leaves . And what can mean your simple whim here To keep her poring on her primmer ? 'Tis quite enough for girls to know , If she can read a billet-doux , Or write a line you'd understand Without an alphabet o'th' hand . Why needs she learn to write , or spell ? A pothook-scrawl is just as well ; It ranks her with the better sort , For 'tis the reigning mode at court . And why should girls be learn'd or wise ? Books only serve to spoil their eyes . The studious eye but faintly twinkles , And reading paves the way to wrinkles . In vain may learning fill the head full : 'Tis Beauty that's the one thing needful ; Beauty , our sex's sole pretence , The best receipt for female sense , The charm , that turns all words to witty , And makes the silliest speeches pretty . Ev'n folly borrows killing graces From ruby lips and roseate faces . Give airs and beauty to your daughter , And sense and wit will follow after . " Thus round the infant Miss in state The council of the Ladies meet , And gay in modern style and fashion Prescribe their rules of education . The Mother , once herself a toast , Prays for her child the self-same post ; The Father hates the toil and pother , And leaves his daughters to their mother ; A proper hand their youth to guide , And o'er their studies to preside ; From whom her faults , that never vary , May come by right hereditary , Follies be multiplied with quickness , And whims keep up the family likeness . Ye Parents , shall those forms so fair , The Graces might be proud to wear , The charms those speaking eyes display , Where passion sits in ev'ry ray , Th' expressive glance , the air refin'd , That sweet vivacity of mind , Be doom'd for life to folly's sway , By trifles lur'd , to fops a prey , Blank all the pow'rs that nature gave , To dress and tinsel-show the slave ! Say , can ye think that charms so bright , Were giv'n alone to please the sight , Or like the moon , that forms so fine Were made for nothing but to shine ? With lips of rose and cheeks of cherry , Out go the works of statuary ? And gain the prize of show , as victors O'er busts and effigies and pictures ? Can female Sense no trophies raise ? Are dress and beauty all their praise ? And does no lover hope to find An angel in his charmer's mind ? First from the dust our sex began . But woman was refin'd from man ; Receiv'd again , with softer air , The great Creator's forming care . And shall it no attention claim Their beauteous infant souls to frame . Shall half your precepts tend the while Fair nature's lovely work to spoil , The native innocence deface , The glowing blush , the modest grace , On follies fix their young desire , To trifles bid their souls aspire , Fill their gay heads with whims of fashion , And slight all other cultivation , Let ev'ry useless barren weed Of foolish fancy run to seed , And make their minds the receptacle Of ev'ry thing that's false and fickle , Where gay Caprice with wanton air , And Vanity keep constant fair , Where ribbands , laces , patches , puffs , Caps , jewels , ruffles , tippets , muffs , With gaudy whims of vain parade , Croud each apartment of the head , Where stands display'd with costly pains The toyshop of Coquettish brains , And high-crown'd caps hang out the sign , And beaus , as customers throng in ; Whence Sense is banish'd in disgrace , Where Wisdom dares not shew her face , Where calm Reflection cannot live , Nor thought sublime an hour survive ; Where the light head and vacant brain Spoil all ideas they contain , As th' airpump kills in half a minute Each living thing you put within it . It must be so ; by antient rule The Fair are nurst in Folly's school , And all their education done Is none at all , or worse than none ; Whence still proceed in maid or wife , The follies and the ills of life . Learning is call'd our mental diet , That serves the hungry mind to quiet , That gives the genius fresh supplies , Till souls grow up to common size : But here , despising sense refin'd , Gay trifles feed the youthful mind . Chamaeleons thus , whose colours airy As often as Coquettes can vary , Despise all dishes rich and rare , And diet wholly on the air ; Think fogs blest eating , nothing finer , And can on whirlwinds make a dinner . And thronging all to feast together , Fare daintily in blustring weather . Here to the Fair alone remain Long years of action spent in vain ; In numbers little skill it shows To cast the sum of all she knows . Perhaps she learns ( what can she less ? ) The arts of dancing and of dress . But dress and dancing are to women , Their education's mint and cummin ; These lighter graces should be taught , And weightier matters not forgot . For there , where only these are shown , The soul will fix on these alone . Then most the fineries of dress Her thoughts , her wish and time possess ; She values only to be gay , And works to rig herself for play ; Weaves scores of caps with diff'rent spires , And all varieties of wires ; Gay ruffles varying just as flow'd The tides and ebbings of the mode ; Bright flow'rs , and topknots waving high , That float , like streamers in the sky ; Work'd catgut handkerchiefs , whose flaws Display the neck , as well as gauze ; Or network aprons somewhat thinnish , That cost but six weeks time to finish , And yet so neat , as you must own You could not buy for half a crown — Perhaps in youth ( for country-fashions Prescrib'd that mode of educations ) She wastes long months in still more tawdry , And useless labours of embroid'ry ; With toil weaves up for chairs together , Six bottoms quite as good as leather ; A set of curtains tap'stry work , The figures frowning like the Turk ; A tentstitch picture , work of folly , With portraits wrought of Dick and Polly ; A coat of arms , that mark'd her house , Three owls rampant , the crest a goose : Or shews in waxwork Goodman Adam , And Serpent gay , gallanting Madam , A woeful mimickry of Eden , With fruit , that needs not be forbidden : All useless works , that fill for Beauties Of time and sense their vast vacuities ; Of sense , which reading might bestow , And time , whose worth they never know . Now to some pop'lous city sent , She comes back prouder than she went ; Few months in vain parade she spares , Nor learns , but apes , politer airs ; So formal acts , with such a set air , That country-manners far were better . This springs from want of just discerning , As pedantry from want of learning ; And proves this maxim true to sight , The half-genteel are least polite . Yet still that active spark , the mind Employment constantly will find , And when on trifles most 'tis bent , Is always found most diligent ; For , weighty works men shew most sloth in , But labour hard at Doing Nothing , A trade , that needs no deep concern , Or long apprenticeship to learn , To which mankind at first apply As naturally as to cry , Till at the last their latest groan Proclaims their idleness is done . Good sense , like fruits , is rais'd by toil ; But follies sprout in ev'ry soil , And where no tillage finds a place , They grow , like tares , the more apace , Nor culture , pains , nor planting need , As moss and mushrooms have no seed . Thus Harriet , rising on the stage , Learns all the arts , that please the age , And studies well , as fits her station , The trade and politics of fashion : A judge of modes , in silks and sattens , From tassels down to clogs and pattens ; A genius , that can calculate When modes of dress are out of date , Cast the nativity with ease Of gowns , and sacks and negligees , And tell , exact to half a minute , What's out of fashion and what's in it ; And scanning all with curious eye Minutest faults in dresses spy ; ( So in nice points of sight , a flea Sees atoms better far than we , ) A Patriot too , she greatly labours , To spread her arts among her neighbours , Holds correspondencies to learn What facts the female world concern , To gain authentic state-reports Of varied modes in distant courts , The present state and swift decays Of tuckers , handkerchiefs and stays , The colour'd silk that Beauties wraps , And all the rise and fall of caps . Then shines , a pattern to the fair , Of mein , address and modish air , Of ev'ry new , affected grace , That plays the eye , or decks the face , The artful smile , that beauty warms , And all th' hypocrisy of charms . On sunday see the haughty Maid In all the glare of dress aray'd , Deck'd in her most fantastic gown , Because a stranger's come to town . Heedless at church she spends the day For homelier folks may serve to pray , And for devotion those may go , Who can have nothing else to do . Beauties at church must spend their care in Far other work , than pious hearing ; They've Beaus to conquer , Belles to rival ; To make them serious were uncivil . For , like the preacher , they each sunday Must do their whole week's work in one day . As tho' they meant to take by blows Th' opposing galleries of Beaus , To church the female Squadron move , All arm'd with weapons used in love . Like colour'd ensigns gay and fair , High caps rise floating in the air ; Bright silk its varied radiance-flings , And streamers wave in kissing-strings ; Their darts and arrows are not seen , But lovers tell us what they mean ; Each bears th' artill'ry of her charms , Like training bands at viewing arms . So once , in fear of Indian beating , Our grandsires bore their guns to meeting , Each man equipp'd on sunday morn , With psalm-book , shot and powder-horn ; And look'd in form , as all must grant , Like th' antient , true church militant ; Or fierce , like modern deep Divines , Who fight with quills , like porcupines . Or let us turn the style and see Our Belles assembled o'er their tea ; Where folly sweetens ev'ry theme , And scandal serves for sugar'd cream . " And did you hear the news ? ( they cry ) The court wear caps full three feet high , Built gay with wire , and at the end on't , Red tassels streaming like a pendant : Well sure , it must be vastly pretty ; 'Tis all the fashion in the city . And were you at the ball last night ? Well Chloe look'd like any fright ; Her day is over for a toast ; She'd now do best to act a ghost . You saw our Fanny ; envy must own She figures , since she came from Boston , Good company improves one's air — I think the troops were station'd there . Poor Caelia ventur'd to the place ; The small-pox quite has spoil'd her face . A sad affair , we all confest : But providence knows what is best . Poor Dolly too , that writ the letter Of love to Dick ; but Dick knew better ; A secret that ; you'll not disclose it : There's not a person living knows it . Sylvia shone out , no peacock finer ; I wonder what the fops see in her . Perhaps 'tis true , what Harry maintains , She mends on intimate acquaintance . " Hail British Lands ! to whom belongs Untroubled privilege of tongues , Blest gift of freedom , priz'd as rare By all , but dearest to the fair ; From grandmothers of loud renown , Thro' long succession handed down , Thence with affection kind and hearty , Bequeath'd unlessen'd to poster'ty ! And all ye Pow'rs of slander , hail , Who teach to censure and to rail ! By you , kind aids to prying eyes , Minutest faults the fair one spies , And specks in rival toasts can mind , Which no one else could ever find ; By shrewdest hints and doubtful guesses , Tears reputations all in pieces ; Points out what smiles to sin advance , Finds assignations in a glance ; And shews how rival toasts ( you'll think ) Break all commandments with a wink . So Priests drive poets to the lurch By fulminations of the church , Mark in our titlepage our crimes . Find heresies in double rhymes , Charge tropes with damnable opinion , And prove a metaphor Arminian , Peep for our doctrines , as at windows , And pick out creeds of innuendoes . And now the conversation sporting From scandal turns to trying fortune . Their future luck the fair foresee In dreams , in cards , but most in tea . Each finds of love some future trophy In settlings left of tea , or coffee . There fate displays its book , she believes , And Lovers swim in form of tea-leaves ; Where oblong stalks she takes for Beaus , And squares of leaves for billet-doux , Gay balls in parboil'd fragments rise , And specks for kisses greet her eyes . So Roman Augurs wont to pry In victims hearts for prophecy , Sought from the future world advices , By lights and lungs of sacrifices , And read with eyes more sharp than wizards , The book of fate in pigeon's gizzards ; Could tell what chief would be survivor , From aspects of an oxes liver , And cast what luck would fall in fights , By trine and quartile of its lights . Yet that we fairly may proceed , We own that Ladies sometimes read , And grieve that reading is confin'd To books that poison all the mind ; The bluster of romance , that fills The head brimfull of purling rills , Inspires with dreams the witless maiden On flow'ry vales , and fields Arcadian , And swells the mind with haughty fancies , And am'rous follies of romances , With whims that in no place exist , But author's heads and woman's breast . For while she reads romance , the Fair one Fails not to think herself the Heroine ; For ev'ry glance , or smile , or grace , She finds resemblance in her face , Thinks while the fancied beauties strike , Two peas were never more alike , Expects the world to fall before her , And ev'ry fop she meets adore her . Thus Harriet reads , and reading really Believes herself a young Pamela , The high-wrought whim , the tender strain Elate her mind and turn her brain : Before her glass , with smiling grace , She views the wonders of her face ; There stands in admiration moveless , And hopes a Grandison , or Lovelace . Then shines She forth , and round her hovers The powder'd swarm of bowing Lovers ; By flames of love attracted thither , Fops , scholars , dunces , cits , together . No lamp expos'd in nightly skies E'er gather'd such a swarm of flies ; Or flame in tube electric draws Such thronging multitudes of straws . ( For I shall still take similes From fire electric when I please . ) With vast confusion swells the sound , When all the Coxcombs flutter round . What undulation wide of bows ! What gentle oaths and am'rous vows ! What doubl ' entendres all so smart ! What sighs hot-piping from the heart ! What jealous leers ! what angry brawls To gain the Lady's hand at balls ! What billet-doux , brimful of flame ! Acrostics lined with Harriet's name ! What compliments o'erstrain'd with telling Sad lies of Venus and of Hellen ! What wits half-crack'd with common places On angels , goddesses and graces ! On fires of love what witty puns ! What similes of stars and suns ! What cringing , dancing , ogling , sighing , What languishing for love , and dying ! For Lovers of all things that breathe Are most expos'd to sudden death , And many a swain much fam'd in rhymes Hath died some hundred thousand times : Yet tho' love oft their breath may stifle , 'Tis sung it hurts them but a trifle . The swain revives by equal wonder , As snakes will join when cut asunder , And often murther'd still survives ; No cat hath half so many lives . While round the fair , the Coxcombs throng With oath , card , billet-doux , and song , She spread her charms and wish'd to gain The heart of ev'ry simple swain ; To all with gay , alluring air , She hid in smiles the fatal snare , For sure that snare must fatal prove , Where falshood wears the form of love ; Full oft with pleasing transport hung On accents of each flattring tongue , And found a pleasure most sincere From each erect , attentive ear ; For pride was hers , that oft with ease , Despis'd the man , she wish'd to please . She lov'd the chace , but scorn'd the prey , And fish'd for hearts to throw away ; Joy'd at the tale of piercing darts , And tortring flames and pining hearts , And pleas'd perus'd the billet-doux , That said , " I die for love of you ; " Found conquest in each gallant's sighs , And blest the murders of her eyes . So Doctors live but by the dead , And pray for plagues , as daily bread ; Thank providence for colds and fevers , And hold consumptions special favors ; And think diseases kindly made , As blest materials of their trade . 'Twould weary all the pow'rs of verse Their am'rous speeches to rehearse , Their compliments , whose vain parade Turns Venus to a kitchen-maid ; With high pretence of love and honor , They vent their folly all upon her , ( Ev'n as the scripture-precept saith , More shall be given to him that hath ; ) Tell her how wondrous fair they deem her , How handsome all the world esteem her ; And while they flatter and adore , She contradicts to call for more . " And did they say I was so handsome ? My looks — I'm sure no one can fancy 'em . 'Tis true we're all as we were fram'd , And none have right to be asham'd ; But as for beauty — all can tell I never fancied I look'd well ; I were a fright , had I a grain less . You're only joking , Mr. Brainless . " Yet Beauty still maintain'd her sway ; And bade the proudest hearts obey ; Ev'n Sense her glances could beguile , And vanquish'd Wisdom with a smile : While Merit bow'd and found no arms , T' oppose the conquests of her charms , Caught all those bashful fears , that place The mask of folly on the face , That awe , that robs our airs of ease , And blunders , when it hopes to please ; For men of sense will always prove The most forlorn of fools in love . The fair esteem'd , admir'd , 'tis true , And prais'd — 'tis all Coquettes can do . And when deserving Lovers came Believ'd her smiles and own'd their flame , Her bosom thrill'd , with joy affected T' increase the list , she had rejected ; While pleas'd to see her arts prevail , To each she told the self-same tale . She wish'd in truth they ne'er had seen her , And feign'd what grief it oft had giv'n her , And sad , of tender-hearted make , Griev'd they were ruin'd for her sake . 'Twas true , she own'd on recollection , She'd giv'n them proofs of kind affection : But they mistook her whole intent , For friendship was the thing she meant . She wonder'd how their hearts could move 'em So strangely as to think she'd love 'em ; She thought her purity above The low and sensual flames of love ; And yet they made such sad ado , She wish'd she could have lov'd them too . She pitied them and as a friend She priz'd them more than all mankind ; And begg'd them not their hearts to vex , Or hang themselves , or break their necks ; Told them 'twould make her life uneasy , If they should run forlorn , or crazy : Objects of love she could not deem 'em ; But did most marv'lously esteem 'em . For 'tis Esteem , Coquettes dispense Tow'rd learning , genius , worth and sense , Sincere affection , truth refin'd , And all the merit of the mind . But Love's the passion they experience For gold , and dress , and gay appearance . For ah ! what magic charms and graces Are found in golden suits of laces ! What going forth of hearts and souls Tow'rd glares of gilded button-holes ! What Lady's heart can stand its ground 'Gainst hats with glittring edging bound ? While vests and shoes and hose conspire , And gloves and ruffles fan the fire ; And broadcloths , cut by tailor's arts , Spread fatal nets for female hearts . And oh , what charms more potent shine , Drawn from the dark Peruvian mine ! What spells and talismans of Venus Are found in dollars , crowns and guineas ! In purse of gold , a single stiver Beats all the darts in Cupid's quiver . What heart so constant , but must veer , When drawn by thousand pounds a year ! How many fair ones ev'ry day To houses fine have fall'n a prey , Been forced on stores of goods to fix , Or carried off in coach and fix ! For Caelia merit found no dart ; Five thousand sterling broke her heart . So witches , hunters say confound 'em , For silver bullets only wound 'em . Cupid of old , as poets say , But barter'd hearts in simple way ; Our modern Cupid's wiser found , And goes to work on surer ground , Like Lawyer's joins the monied faction , Thinks gold the surest cause of action , But where of money not a copper is , Rejects all suits in forma pauperis ; Admits the rich to bliss and glory , And sends the poor to purgatory . And now the time was come , our Fair Should all the plagues of passion share , And after ev'ry heart she'd won , By sad disaster lose her own . So true the antient proverb sayeth , " Edge tools are dang'rous things to play with ; " The fisher , ev'ry gudgeon hooking , May chance himself to catch a ducking ; The child that plays with fire , in pain Will burn its fingers now and then ; And from the Dutchess to the laundress , Coquets are seldom salamanders . For lo ! Dick Hairbrain heaves in sight , From foreign climes returning bright , A Coxcomb , past all mortal matching , Well worth a Lady's pains in catching ; He danc'd , he sung to admiration ; He swore to gen'ral acceptation ; In airs and dress so great his merit , He shone — no Lady's eyes could bear it . Poor Harriet saw ; her heart was stouter ; She gather'd all her smiles about her ; Hoped by her eyes to gain the laurels , And charm him down , as snakes do squirrels ; So priz'd his love and wish'd to win it , That all her hopes were center'd in it ; And took such pains his heart to move , Herself fell desp'rately in love ; Nor had the art to keep it private , Dick soon found what she meant to drive at . Tho' great her skill in am'rous tricks , She could not hope to equal Dick's : Her fate she ventur'd on his trial , And lost her birthright of denial . And here her brightest hopes miscarry ; For Dick was too gallant to marry : He own'd she'd charms for those who need 'em . But he , be sure , was all for freedom ; So , left in hopeless flames to burn , Gay Dick esteem'd her in turn . In love , a Lady once giv'n over Is never fated to recover , Doom'd to indulge her troubled fancies And feed her passion by romances ; And always am'rous , always changing , From coxcomb still to coxcomb ranging , Finds in her heart a void , which still Succeeding Beaus can never fill : As shadows vary o'er a glass , Each holds in turn the vacant place ; She doats upon her earliest pain , And following thousands loves in vain . Poor Harriet now hath had her day ; No more the Beaus confess her sway ; New Beauties push her from the stage ; She trembles at th' approach of age , And starts to view the alter'd face , That wrinkles at her in her glass : So Satan , in the monk's tradition , Fear'd , when he met his apparition . At length her name each Coxcomb cancels From standing lists of toasts and angels ; And slighted where she shone before , A grace and goddess now no more , Depriv'd of long-accustom'd pleasure In daily falshoods told to praise her ; Despis'd by all , and doom'd to meet Her lovers at her rival's feet , She flies assemblies , shuns the ball , And cries out , Vanity , on all ; Affects to scorn the tinsel-shows Of glittring Belles and gaudy Beaus ; Nor longer hopes to hide by dress The tracks of age upon her face . Now careless grown of airs polite , Her noonday nightcap meets the sight ; Her hair uncomb'd collects together , With ornament of many a feather ; Her stays for easiness thrown by , Her rumpled handkerchief awry , A careless figure half undrest , ( The reader's wits may guess the rest ) All points of dress and neatness carried , As tho' she'd been a twelvemonth married ; She spends her breath , as years prevail , At this sad , wicked world to rail , To slander all her sex impromptu , And wonder what the times will come to . Tom Brainless at the close of last year Had been six years a rev'rend Pastor , And now resolv'd to smooth his life , To seek the blessing of a wife . His brethren saw his am'rous temper , And recommended fair Miss Simper , Who fond , they heard , of sacred truth , Had left her levities of youth , Grown fit forth ministerial union , And grave , as Christian's wife in Bunyan . On this he rigg'd him in his best , And got his old grey wig new-drest , Fix'd on his suit of sable stuffs , And brush'd the powder from the cuffs , With black silk stockings , yet in being , The same he took his first degree in ; Procur'd a horse of breed from Europe , And learn'd to mount him by the stirrup , And set forth fierce to court the Maid ; His white hair'd Deacon went for aid ; And on the right in solemn mode , The Reverend Mr. Brainless rode . Thus grave , the courtly pair advance , Like knight and squire in fam'd romance ; The Priest then bow'd in sober gesture , And all in scripture terms addrest her ; He'd found for reasons amply known , It was not good to be alone , And thought his duty led to trying The great command of multiplying ; So with submission , by her leave , He'd come to look him out an Eve , And hoped , in pilgrimage of life , To find an helpmeet in a wife , A wife discreet and fair withal , To make amends for Adam's fall . In short , the bargain finish'd soon , A reverend Doctor made them one . And now the joyful people rouze all To celebrate their Priest's espousal ; And first , by kind agreement set , In case their Priest a wife could get , The parish vote him five pounds clear , T' increase his salary every year . Then swift the tagrag gentry come To welcome Madam Brainless home ; Wish their good Parson joy ; vHth pride In order round salute the bride ; At home , at visits and at meetings , To Madam all allow precedence : Greet her at church with rev'rence due , And next the pulpit fix her pew . —