THE LADLE . The Scepticks think , 'twas long ago , Since Gods came down Incognito , To see Who were Their Friends or Foes , And how our Actions fell or rose : That since They gave Things their Beginning ; And set this Whirligig a Spinning ; Supine They in their Heav'n remain , Exempt from Passion , and from Pain : And frankly leave us Human Elves , To cut and shuffle for our selves : To stand or walk , to rise or tumble , As Matter , and as Motion jumble . The Poets now , and Painters hold This Thesis both absurd and bold : And your good-natur'd Gods , They say , Descend some twice or thrice a-day : Else all these Things We toil so hard in , Would not avail one single Farthing : For when the Hero We rehearse , To grace His Actions , and Our Verse ; 'Tis not by dint of Human Thought , That to his Latium He is brought : Iris descends by Fate's Commands , To guide his Steps thro' Foreign Lands : And Amphitrite clears his Way From Rocks and Quick-sands in the Sea . And if You see Him in a Sketch ; ( Tho' drawn by Paulo or Carache ) He shows not half his Force and Strength , Strutting in Armour , and at Length : That He may make his proper Figure , The Piece must yet be four Yards bigger : The Nymphs conduct Him to the Field : One holds his Sword , and One his Shield : Mars standing by asserts his Quarrel : And Fame flies after with a Lawrel . These Points , I say , of Speculation ( As 'twere to save or sink the Nation ) Men idly learned will dispute , Assert , object , confirm , refute : Each mighty angry , mighty right , With equal Arms sustains the Fight ; 'Till now no Umpire can agree 'em : So both draw off , and sing Te Deum . Is it in Equilibrio , If Deities descend or no ? Then let th'Affirmative prevail , As requisite to form my Tale : For by all Parties 'tis confest , That those Opinions are the best , Which in their Nature most conduce To present Ends , and private Use . Two Gods came therefore from above , One Mercury , the t'other Jove : The Humour was ( it seems ) to know , If all the Favours They bestow , Could from our own Perverseness ease Us ; And if our Wish injoy'd would please Us . Discoursing largely on this Theme , O'er Hills and Dales Their Godships came ; 'Till well nigh tir'd at almost Night , They thought it proper to alight . Note here , that it as true as odd is , That in Disguise a God or Goddess Exerts no supernat'ral Powers ; But acts on Maxims much like Ours . They spy'd at last a Country Farm , Where all was snug , and clean , and warm ; For Woods before , and Hills behind Secur'd it both from Rain and Wind : Large Oxen in the Fields were lowing : Good Grain was sow'd : good Fruit was growing : Of last Year's Corn in Barns great Store ; Fat Turkeys gobbling at the Door : And Wealth ( in short ) with Peace consented , That People here should live contented : But did They in Effect do so ? Have Patience , Friend ; and Thou shalt know . The honest Farmer and his Wife , To Years declin'd from Prime of Life , Had struggl'd with the Marriage Noose ; As almost ev'ry Couple does : Sometimes , My Plague ! sometimes , My Darling ! Kissing to Day , to Morrow snarling ; Jointly submitting to endure That Evil , which admits no Cure . Our Gods the outward Gate unbarr'd : Our Farmer met 'em in the Yard ; Thought They were Folks that lost their Way ; And ask'd them civily to stay : Told 'em , for Supper , or for Bed They might go on , and be worse sped . — So said , so done : the Gods consent : All three into the Parlour went : They complement : They sit : They chat ; Fight o'er the Wars ; reform the State : A thousand knotty Points They clear ; Till Supper and my Wife appear . Jove made his Leg , and kiss'd the Dame : Obsequious Hermes did the same . Jove kiss'd the Farmer's Wife , You say . He did — but in an honest Way : Oh ! not with half that Warmth and Life , With which He kiss'd Amphitryon's Wife . — Well then , Things handsomly were serv'd : My Mistress for the Strangers carv'd . How strong the Beer , how good the Meat , How loud They laught , how much They eat , In Epic sumptuous would appear ; Yet shall be pass'd in Silence here : For I should grieve to have it said , That by a fine Description led , I made my Episode too long , Or tir'd my Friend , to grace my Song . The Grace-Cup serv'd , the Cloth away , Jove thought it time to show his Play : Landlord and Landlady , He cry'd , Folly and Jesting laid aside , That Ye thus hospitably live , And Strangers with good Chear receive , Is mighty grateful to your Betters , And makes ev'n Gods themselves your Debtors . To give this Thesis plainer Proof , You have to Night beneath your Roof A Pair of Gods : ( nay never wonder ) This Youth can Fly , and I can Thunder . I'm Jupiter , and He Mercurius , My Page , my Son indeed , but spurious . Form then Three Wishes , You and Madam : And sure , as You already had 'em , The Things desir'd in half an Hour Shall all be here , and in your Pow'r . Thank Ye , great Gods , the Woman says : Oh ! may your Altars ever blaze . A Ladle for our Silver Dish Is what I want , is what I Wish . — A Ladle ! cries the Man , a Ladle ! 'Odzooks , Corisca , You have pray'd ill : What should be Great , You turn to Farce : I Wish the Ladle in your A— . With equal Grief and Shame my Muse The Sequel of the Tale pursues : The Ladle fell into the Room , And stuck in old Corisca's Bum . Our Couple weep Two Wishes past , And kindly join to form the last , To ease the Woman's aukward Pain , And get the Ladle out again . MORAL . This Commoner has Worth and Parts , Is prais'd for Arms , or lov'd for Arts : His Head achs for a Coronet : And Who is Bless'd that is not Great ? Some Sense , and more Estate , kind Heav'n To this well-lotted Peer has giv'n : What then ? He must have Rule and Sway : And all is wrong , 'till He's in Play . The Miser must make up his Plumb , And dares not touch the hoarded Sum : The sickly Dotard wants a Wife , To draw off his last Dregs of Life . Against our Peace We arm our Will : Amidst our Plenty , Something still For Horses , Houses , Pictures , Planting , To Thee , to Me , to Him is wanting . That cruel Something unpossess'd Corrodes , and levens all the rest . That Something , if We could obtain , Would soon create a future Pain : And to the Coffin , from the Cradle , 'Tis all a Wish , and all a Ladle .