HANS CARVEL. Matthew Prior Alexander Huber Editor Bodleian Libraries, University of Oxford
Broad Street Oxford OX1 3BG UK
Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive
Taylor Institution Library St Giles' Oxford OX1 3NA UK info@eighteenthcenturypoetry.org https://www.eighteenthcenturypoetry.org/
Oxford This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. T075639 Prior, Matthew, 1664-1721. Poems on Several Occasions [English poems only]. London Printed for JACOB TONSON at Shakespear's-Head over against Katharine-Street in the Strand, and JOHN BARBER upon Lambeth-Hill. MDCCXVIII. 1718 pp. 105-110. [42],506,[6]p.: ill.; 2°.

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HANS CARVEL . Hans Carvel , Impotent and Old , Married a Lass of London Mould : Handsome ? enough ; extreamly Gay : Lov'd Musick , Company , and Play : High Flights She had , and Wit at Will : And so her Tongue lay seldom still : For in all Visits who but She , To Argue , or to Repartée ? She made it plain , that Human Passion Was order'd by Predestination ; That , if weak Women went astray , Their Stars were more in Fault than They : Whole Tragedies She had by Heart ; Enter'd into Roxana's Part : To Triumph in her Rival's Blood , The Action certainly was good . How like a Vine young Ammon curl'd ! Oh that dear Conqu'ror of the World ! She pity'd Betterton in Age , That ridicul'd the God-like Rage . She , first of all the Town , was told , Where newest India Things were sold : So in a Morning , without Bodice , Slipt sometimes out to Mrs. Thody's ; To cheapen Tea , to buy a Screen : What else cou'd so much Virtue mean ? For to prevent the least Reproach , Betty went with Her in the Coach . But when no very great Affair Excited her peculiar Care ; She without fail was wak'd at Ten ; Drank Chocolate , then slept again : At Twelve She rose : with much ado Her Cloaths were huddl'd on by Two : Then ; Does my Lady Dine at home ? Yes sure ; — but is the Colonel come ? Next , how to spend the Afternoon , And not come Home again too soon ; The Change , the City , or the Play , As each was proper for the Day ; A Turn in Summer to Hyde-Park , When it grew tolerably Dark . Wife's Pleasure causes Husband's Pain : Strange Fancies come in Hans's Brain : He thought of what He did not name ; And wou'd reform ; but durst not blame . At first He therefore Preach'd his Wife The Comforts of a Pious Life : Told Her , how Transient Beauty was ; That All must die , and Flesh was Grass : He bought Her Sermons , Psalms , and Graces ; And doubled down the useful Places . But still the Weight of worldly Care Allow'd Her little time for Pray'r : And Cleopatra was read o'er , While Scot , and Wake , and Twenty more , That teach one to deny one's self , Stood unmolested on the Shelf . An untouch'd Bible grac'd her Toilet : No fear that Thumb of Her's should spoil it . In short , the Trade was still the same : The Dame went out : the Colonel came . What's to be done ? poor Carvel cry'd : Another Batt'ry must be try'd : What if to Spells I had Recourse ? 'Tis but to hinder something Worse . The End must justifie the Means : He only Sins who Ill intends : Since therefore 'tis to Combat Evil ; 'Tis lawful to employ the Devil . Forthwith the Devil did appear ( For name Him and He's always near ) Not in the Shape in which He plies At Miss's Elbow when She lies ; Or stands before the Nurs'ry Doors , To take the naughty Boy that roars : But without Sawcer Eye or Claw , Like a grave Barrister at Law . Hans Carvel , lay aside your Grief , The Devil says : I bring Relief . Relief , says Hans : pray let me crave Your Name , Sir . — Satan . — Sir , your Slave : I did not look upon your Feet : You'll pardon Me : — Ay , now I see't : And pray , Sir , when came You from Hell ? Our Friends there , did You leave Them well ? All well : but pr'ythee , honest Hans , ( Says Satan ) leave your Complaisance : The Truth is this : I cannot stay Flaring in Sun-shine all the Day : For , entre Nous , We Hellish Sprites , Love more the Fresco of the Nights ; And oft'ner our Receipts convey In Dreams , than any other Way . I tell You therefore as a Friend , E'er Morning dawns , your Fears shall end : Go then this Ev'ning , Master Carvel , Lay down your Fowls , and broach your Barrel ; Let Friends and Wine dissolve your Care ; Whilst I the great Receipt prepare : To Night I'll bring it , by my Faith ; Believe for once what Satan saith . Away went Hans : glad ? not a little ; Obey'd the Devil to a Tittle ; Invited Friends some half a Dozen , The Colonel , and my Lady's Cousin . The Meat was serv'd ; the Bowls were crown'd ; Catches were sung ; and Healths went round : Barbadoes Waters for the Close ; 'Till Hans had fairly got his Dose : The Colonel toasted to the best : The Dame mov'd off , to be undrest : The Chimes went Twelve : the Guests withdrew : But when , or how , Hans hardly knew . Some Modern Anecdotes aver , He nodded in his Elbow Chair ; From thence was carry'd off to Bed : John held his Heels , and Nan his head . My Lady was disturb'd : new Sorrow ! Which Hans must answer for to Morrow . In Bed then view this happy Pair ; And think how Hymen Triumph'd there . Hans , fast asleep , as soon as laid ; The Duty of the Night unpaid : The waking Dame , with Thoughts opprest , That made Her Hate both Him and Rest : By such a Husband , such a Wife ! 'Twas Acme's and Septimius' Life . The Lady sigh'd : the Lover snor'd : The punctual Devil kept his Word : Appear'd to honest Hans again ; But not at all by Madam seen : And giving Him a Magick Ring , Fit for the Finger of a King ; Dear Hans , said He , this Jewel take , And wear it long for Satan's Sake : 'Twill do your Business to a Hair : For long as You this Ring shall wear , As sure as I look over Lincoln , That ne'er shall happen which You think on . Hans took the Ring with Joy extream ; ( All this was only in a Dream ) And thrusting it beyond his Joint , 'Tis done , He cry'd : I've gain'd my Point . — What Point , said She , You ugly Beast ? You neither give Me Joy nor Rest : 'Tis done . — What's done , You drunken Bear ? You've thrust your Finger G—d knows where .