THE ART of POLITICKS, In Imitation of HORACE's ART of POETRY.

THE ART of POLITICKS , In Imitation of HORACE's ART of POETRY . By the Reverend Mr. Bramston . Humano capiti cervicem pictor equinam Jungere si velit , & varias inducere plumas , Undique collatis membris ; ut turpiter atrum Definat in piscem mulier formosa superne : Spectatum admissi , risum teneatis , amici ? Credite , Pisones , isti tabulae fore librum Persimilem , cujus , velut aegri somnia , vanae Fingentur species . — Pictoribus atque Poetis Quilibet audendi semper fuit aequa potestas ; Scimus , & hanc veniam petimusque damusque vicissim ; Sed non ut placidis coëant immitia , non ut Serpentes avibus geminentur , tigribus agni. IF to an human face sir James shou'd draw A horse's mane , and feathers of maccaw , A lady's bosom , and a tail of cod , Who could help laughing at a sight so odd ? Just such a monster , Sirs , pray think before ye , When you behold one man both Whig and Tory . Not more extravagant are drunkards dreams , Than Low-church politicks with High-church schemes . Painters , you'll say , may their own fancies use , And free-born Britons may their party chuse : That's true , I own : but can one piece be drawn For dove and dragon , elephant and fawn ? Incoeptis gravibus plerumque & magna professis Purpureus , late qui splendeat , unus & alter Assuitur pannus ; cum lucus , & ara Dianae , Aut properantis aquae per amoenos ambitus agros , Aut flumen Rhenum , aut pluvius describitur arcus . Sed nunc non erat his locus : & fortasse cupressum Scis simulare quid hoc , si fractus enatat exspes Navibus , aere dato qui pingitur ? amphora coepit Institui ; currente rota cur urceus exit ? Denique sit quidvis , simplex duntaxat & unum . Speakers profess'd , who gravity pretend , With motly sentiments their speeches blend ; Begin like patriots , and like courtiers end . Some love to roar , the constitution's broke , And others on the nation's debts to joke ; Some rail , ( they hate a commonwealth so much , ) Whate'er the subject be , against the Dutch ; While others , with more fashionable fury , Begin with turnpikes , and conclude with Fleury . Some , when th' affair was Blenheim's glorious battle , Declaim'd against importing Irish cattle : But you , from whate'er side you take your name , Like Anna's motto , always be the same . Decipimus specie recti ; brevis esse laboro , Obscurus fio ; sectantem levia nervi , Deficiunt animique ; professus grandia , turget , Qui variare cupit rem prodigaliter unam . Delphinum sylvis appingit , fluctibus aprum . In vitium ducit culpae fuga , si caret arte . Aemilium circa ludum faber imus & ungues Exprimet , & molles imitabitur aere capillos ; Infelix operis summa , quia ponere totum Nesciet ; hunc ego me , si quid componere curem . Non magis esse velim , quam pravo vivere naso Spectandum nigris oculis nigroque capillo . Outsides deceive , 'tis hard the truth to know , Parties from quaint denominations flow , As Scotch and Irish antiquaries show . The low are said to rake Fanaticks parts , The high are bloody Papists in their hearts . Caution and fear to highest faults have run ; In pleasing both the parties , you please none . Who in the house affects declaiming airs , Whales in Change-alley paints : in Fish-street bears . Some metaphors , some hankerchiefs display , These peep in hats , while those with buttons play , And make me think it Repetition day ; There knights haranguing hug a neighb'ring post , And are but quorum orators at most . Sooner than thus my want of sense expose , I'll deck out bandy-legs with gold-clock'd hose , Or wear a toupet-wig without a nose . Nay , I would sooner have thy phyz , I swear , Surintendant des plaisirs d'Angleterre . All Mr. Heydegger's letters come directed to him from abroad , A Monsieur , Monsieur Heydegger , surintendant des plaisirs d'Angleterre . Sumite materiam vestris , qui scribitis aequam Viribus ; & versate diu , quid ferre recusent , Quid valeant humeri : cui lecta potenter erit res , Nec facundia deseret hunc , nec lucidus ordo . Ordinis haec virtus erit & Venus , aut ego fallor , Ut jam nunc dicat , jam nunc debentia dici , Pleraque differat , & praesens in tempus omittat . Dixeris egregie , notum si callida verbum Reddiderit junctura novum ; si forte necesse est Indiciis monstrare recentibus abdita rerum Fingere cinctutis non exaudita Cethegis Continget dabiturque licentia sumpta pudenter . Et nova fictaque nuper habebunt verba fidem , si Graeco fonte cadant . Ye weekly writers of seditious news , Take care your subjects artfully to chuse , Write panegyrick strong , or boldly rail , You cannot miss preferment , or a goal . Wrap up your poison well , nor fear to say What was a lye last night is truth to-day . Tell this , sink that , arrive at Ridpath's praise , Let Abel Roper your ambition raise . To lie fit opportunity observe , Saving some double meaning in reserve ; But oh ! you'll merit everlasting fame , If you can quibble on Sir Robert's name . In state-affairs use not the vulgar phrase , Talk words scarce known in good queen Besse's days , New terms let war or traffick introduce , And try to bring persuading-ships in use . Coin words : in coining ne'er mind common sense , Provided the original be French . — Licuit , semperque licebit Signatum praesente not a producere nomen . Ut sylvae foliis pronos mutantur in annos : Prima cadunt , it a verborum vetus interit aetas . Debemur morti nos nostraque ; sive receptus Terrâ Neptunus , classes aquilonibus arcet , Regis opus ; sterilisve diu palus aptaque remis Vicinas urbes alit , & grave sentit aratrum ; Seu cursum mutavit iniquum frugibus amnis Doctus iter melius : mortalia facta peribunt , Nedum sermonum stet honos , & gratia vivax : Multa renascentur quae jam cecidere , cadentque Quae nunc sunt in honore vocabula , si volet usus , Quem penes arbitrium est & jus & norma loquendi . Like South-sea stock , expressions rise and fall : King Edward's words are now no words at all . Did aught our predecessors genius cramp ? Sure every reign may have its proper stamp . All sublunary things of death partake ; What alteration does a cent'ry make ? Kings and comedians are all mortal found , Caesar and Pinkethman are underground . What's not destroy'd by Time's devouring hand ? Where's Troy , and where's the may-pole in the Strand ? Pease , cabbages , and turnips once grew , where Now stands New Bond-street , and a newer square ; Such piles of buildings now rise up and down , London itself seems going out of town . Our fathers cross'd from Fulham in a wherry , Their sons enjoy a bridge at Putney-ferry . Think we that modern words eternal are ? Toupet and Tompion , Cosins , and Colmar Hereafter will be call'd , by some plain man , A wig , a watch , a pair of stays , a fan . To things themselves if time such change affords , Can there be any trusting to our words ? Res gestae regumque ducumque , & tristia bella Quo scribi possent numero , monstravit Homerus , Versibus impariter junctis querimonia primum , Post etiam inclusa est voti sententia compos . Quis tamen exiguos elegos emiserit auctor , Grammatici certant , & adhuc sub judice lis est . To screen good ministers from publick rage , And how with party madness to engage , We learn from Addison's immortal page . The Jacobite's ridiculous opinion Is seen from Tickell's letters to Avignon . But who puts Caleb's Country-Craftsman out , Is still a secret , and the world's in doubt . Musa dedit fidibus Divos puerosque Deorum , Et pugilem victorem , & equum certamine primum , Et juvenum curas , & libera vina referre . Not long since parish clerks , with saucy airs , Apply'd king David's psalms to state affairs . Some certain tunes to politicks belong , On both side drunkards love a party-song . Descriptas servare vices operumque colores Cur ego si nequeo ignoroque , poeta salutor ? Cur nescire , pudens prave , quam discere malo ? If full across the Speaker's chair I go , Can I be said the rules o' th' House to know ? I'll ask , nor give offence without intent , Nor through mere sheepishness be impudent . Versibus exponi tragicis res comica non vult : Indignatur item privatis , ac prope socco Dignis carminibus narrari coena Thyestae . Interdum tamen & vocem Comoedia tollit , Iratusque Chremes tumido dilitigat ore . Telephus & Peleus , cum pauper & exsul uterque Projicit ampullas & sesquipedalia verba . In acts of Parliament avoid sublime , Nor e'er address his Majesty in rhyme ; An Act of Parliament's a serious thing , Begins with year of Lord and year of King ; Keeps close to form , in every word is strict , When it would pains and penalties inflict . Soft words suit best petitioner's intent ; Soft words , O ye petitioners of Kent ! Non satis est pulchra esse Poemata , dulcia sunio . Ut ridentibus arrident , ita flentibus adsunt Humani vultus : si vis me stere , dolendum est Primum ipse tibi : nunc tua me infortunia laedent . Telephe , vel Peleu , mole si mandata loquêris , Aut dormitabo , aut ridebo . Whoe'er harangues before he gives his vote , Should send sweet language from a tuneful throat . Pultney the coldest breast with zeal can fire , And Roman thoughts by Attick stile inspire ; He knows from tedious wranglings to beguile The serious house into a cheerful smile ; When the great patriot paints his anxious fears For England's safety , I am lost in tears . But when dull speakers strive to move compassion , I pity their poor hearers , not the nation : Unless young members to the purpose keep , I fall a laughing , or I fall asleep . Format enim natura prius nos intus ad omnem Fortunarum habitum , &c. Post effert animi motus interprete linguâ . — tristia moestum Vultum verba decent , &c. Si dicentis erunt fortunis absona dicta Romani tollent equites peditesque cachinnum . Can men their inward faculties controul ? Is not the tongue an index to the soul ? Laugh not in time of service to your God , Nor bully , when in custody o' th' rod ; Look grave , and be from jokes and grinning far , When brought to sue for pardon at the bar : If then you let your ill-tim'd wit appear , Knights , citizens , and burgesses will sneer . Intererit multum Davusne loquatur , an Heros : Mercatorne vagus , cultorne virentis agelli ; Colchus , an Assyrius ; Thebis nutritus , an Argis . For land , or trade , not the same notions fire The city-merchant , and the country-'squire ; Their climes are distant , tho' one cause unites The lairds of Scotland , and the Cornish knights . Aut famam sequere , aut sibi convenientia finge , Scriptor honoratum si forte reponis Achillem , Impiger , iracundus , inexorabilis , acer , Jura neget sibi nata , nihil non arroget armis ; Sit Medea ferox invictaque , flebilis Ino , Perfidus Ixion , Io vaga , tristis Orestes . To likelihood your characters confine ; Don't turn Sir Paul out , let Sir Paul resign . In Walpole's voice ( if factions ill intend ) Give the two universities a friend ; Give Maidstone wit , and elegance refin'd ; To both the Pelhams give the Scipio's mind ; To Cart'ret learning , eloquence , and parts ; To George the second , give all English hearts . Si quid inexpertum scenae committis , & audes Personam formare novam , servetur ad imum Qualis ad incepto processerit , & sibi constet . Sometimes fresh names in politicks produce , And factions yet unheard of introduce ; And if you dare attempt a thing so new , Make to itself the flying squadron true . Difficile est proprie communia dicere : tuque Rectius Iliacum carmen deducis in actus , Quam si proferres ignota indictaque primus . Publica materies privati juris erit , si Nec circa vilem patulumque moraberis orbem . Nec verbum verbo curabis reddére fidus Interpres ; nec desilies imitator in arctum , Unde pedem proferre pudor vetet , aut operis lex . To speak is free , no member is debarr'd ; But funds and national accounts are hard : Safer on common topicks to discourse , The malt-tax , and a military force . On these each coffee-house will lend a hint , Besides a thousand things that are in print . But steal not word for word , nor thought for thought , For you'll be teaz'd to death , if you are caught . When factious leaders boast increasing strength , Go not too far , nor follow every length : Leave room for change , turn with a grace about , And swear you left 'em , when you found 'em out . Nec si incipies , ut scriptor Cyclicus olim , " Fortunam Priami cantabo & nobile bellum . " Quanto rectius hic , qui nil molitur inepte , " Dic mihi Musa virum , captae post tempora Trojae , " Qui mores hominum multorum vidit & urbes . With art and modesty your part maintain ; And talk like Col'nel Titus , not like Lane . The trading knight with rants his speech begins , Sun , moon , and stars , and dragons , saints , and kings : But Titus said , with his uncommon sense , When the exclusion-bill was in suspence , I hear a lion in the lobby roar ; Say , Mr. Speaker , shall we shut the door And keep him there , or shall we let him in To try if we can turn him out again ? Non fumum ex fulgore , sed ex fumo dare lucem Cogitat — Some mighty blusterers impeach with noise , And call their private cry , the publick voice . Quid dignum tanto feret hic promissor hiatu ? Parturiunt montes , nascetur ridiculus mus . From folio's of accounts they take their handles , And the whole ballance proves a pound of candles ; As if Paul's cupola were brought to bed , After hard labour , of a small pin's head . Nec reditum Diomedes ab interitu Meleagri , Nec gemino bellum Trojanum orditur ab ovo ; — & quae Desperat tractata nitescere posse , relinquit ; Atque ita mentitur , sic veris falsa remiscet , Primum ne medium , medio ne discrepet imum . Some Rufus , some the Conqueror bring in , And some from Julius Caesar's days begin . A cunning speaker can command his chops , And when the house is not in humour , stops ; In falsehood probability imploys , Nor his old lies with newer lies destroys . Tu , quid ego & populus mecum desideret , audi ; Si plausoris eges aulaea manentis , & usque Sessuri donec cantor , Vos plaudite , dicat : Aetatis cujusque notandi sunt tibi mores Mobilibusque decor naturis dandus & annis . If when you speak , you'd hear a needle fall , And make the frequent hear-hims rend the wall , In matters suited to your taste engage , Rememb'ring still your quality and age . Thy task be this , young knight , and hear my song , What politicks to ev'ry age belong . Reddere qui voces jam scit puer , & pede certo Signat humum , jestis paribus colludere , & iram Colligit ac ponit temere , & mutatur in horas . When babes can speak , babes should be taught to say King George the second's health , huzza , huzza ! Boys should learn Latin for Prince William's sake , And girls Louisa their example make . Imberbis juvenis , tandem custode remoto , Gaudet equis canibusque , & aprici gramine campi ; Cereus in vitium flecti , monitoribus asper , Utilium tardus provisor , prodigus aeris , Sublimis cupidusque , & amata relinquere pernix . More loves the youth , just come to his estate , To range the fields , than in the house debate ; More he delights in fav'rite Jowler's tongue , Than in Will Shippen , or Sir William Yonge : If in one chase he can two horses kill , He cares not two-pence for the land-tax bill : Loud in his wine , in women not o'er nice , He damns his uncles if they give advice ; Votes as his father did when there's a call , But had much rather never vote at all . Conversis studiis , aetas animusque virilis ; Quaerit opes & amicitias , inservit honori ; Commisisse cavet quod mox mutare laboret . We take a different turn at twenty-six , And lofty thoughts on some lord's daughter fix ; With men in pow'r strict friendship we pursue , With some considerable post in view . A man of forty years to change his note , One way to speak , and t'other way to vote ; Careful his tongue in passion to command , Avoids the bar , and speaker's reprimand . Multa senem circumveniunt incommoda ; vel quod Quaerit , & inventis miser abstinet , ac timet uti . Dilator spe longus , iners , avidusque futuri ; Difficilis , querulus , laudator temporis acti Se puero , censor castigatorque minorum . Multa ferunt anni venientes commoda secum , Multa recedentes adimunt ; ne forte seniles Mandentur juveni partes , pueroque viriles ; Semper in adjunctis aevoque morabimur aptis . In bags the old man lets his treasure rust , Afraid to use it , or the funds to trust ; When stocks are low he wants the heart to buy , And through much caution sees them rise too high ; Thinks nothing rightly done since seventy-eight , Swears present members do not talk , but prate : In Charles the second's days , says he , ye prigs , Tories were Tories then , and Whigs were Whigs . Alas ! this is a lamentable truth , We lose in age , as we advance in youth : I laugh when twenty will like eighty talk , And old Sir John with Polly Peachum walk . Aut agitur res in scenis , aut acta refertur . Segnius irritant animos demissa per aures , Quàm quae sunt oculis subjecta fidelibus , & quae Ipse sibi tradit spectator . Quodcunque ostendis mihi sic , incredulus odi . Now as to double , or to false returns , When pockets suffer , and when anger burns ; O thing surpassing faith ! knight strives with knight When both have brib'd , and neither's in the right , The bailiff's self is sent for in that case , And all the witnesses had face to face . Selected members soon the fraud unfold , In full committee of the house 'tis told ; Th' incredible corruption is destroy'd , The chairman's angry , and th' election void . Neve minor , neu sit quinto productior actu Fabula , quae posci vult , & spectata reponi ; Nec Deus intersit , nisi dignus vindice nodus Inciderit ; nec quarta loqui persona laboret . Those who would captivate the well-bred throng , Should not too often speak , nor speak too long : Church , nor church-matters ever turn to sport , Nor make St. Stephen's chapel , Dover-court . Actoris partes Chorus officiumque virile Defendat : neu quid medios intercinat actus , Quod non proposito conducat & haereat apte : Ille bonis faveatque , & concilietur amicis , Et regat iratos , & amet peccare timentes ; Ille dapes laudet mensae brevis ; ille salubrem Justitiam , legesque , & apertis otia portis ; Ille tegat commissa , Deosque precetur & oret , Ut redeat miseris , abeat fortuna superbis . The speaker , when the commons are assembled , May to the Graecian chorus be resembled ; 'Tis his the young and modest to espouse , And see none draw , or challenge in the house : 'Tis his old hospitality to use , And three good printers for the house to chuse ; To let each representative be heard , And take due care the chaplain be preferr'd ; To hear no motion made that's out of joint , And when he spies his member , make his point . Tibia non , ut nunc Orichalcho vincta , tubaeque Aemula , sed tenuis simplex foramine pauco Aspirare , & adesse choris erat utilis , &c. Postquam coepit agros extendere victor , & urbem Latior amplecti murus , &c. Accessit numerisque modisque licentia major ; Sic etiam fidibus voces crevere severis , Et tulit eloquium insolitum facundia praeceps : Utilium sagax rerum & divina futuri Sortilegis non discrepuit sententia Delphis . To knights new chosen in old time would come The country trumpet , and perhaps a drum ; Now when a burgess new elect appears , Come trainbands , horseguards , footguards , grenadeers ; When the majority the town-clerk tells , His honour pays the fiddles , waits , and bells : Harangues the mob , and is as wise and great , As the most mystick oracle of state . Carmine qui tragico vilem certavit ob hircum , Incolumi gravitate jocum tentavit , eo quod Illecebris erat & grata novitate morandus Spectator , functusque sacris , & potus , & exlex. When the duke's grandson for the county stood , His beef was fat , and his october good ; His lordship took each ploughman by the fist , Drank to their sons , their wives , their daughters kiss'd ; But when strong beer their free-born hearts inflames , They sell him bargains , and they call him names . Thus it is deem'd in English nobles wise To stoop for no one reason but to rise . Effutire leves indigna Tragoedia versus , Ut festis matrona moveri jussa diebus , Intererit Satyris paulum pudibunda protervis . Election matters shun with cautious awe , O all ye judges learned in the law ; A judge by bribes as much himself degrades , As duchess-dowager by masquerades . Non ego inornata & dominantia nomina solum , Verbaque , Pisones , Satyrorum scriptor amabo ; Nec sic enitar Tragico differre colori , Ut nihil intersit Davusque loquatur , & audax Pythias , emuncto lucrata Simone talentum : An custos famulusque Dei Silenus alumni . Try not with jests obscene to force a smile , Nor lard your speech with mother Needham's stile : Let not your tongue to Ωλδφιελδισμυς run , And Κιββερισμυς with abhorrence shun ; Let not your looks affected words disgrace , Nor join with silver tongue a brazen face ; Let not your hands , like tallboys be employ'd , And the mad rant of tragedy avoid . Just in your thoughts , in your expression clear , Neither too modest , nor too bold appear . — Ut sibi quivis Speret idem , sudet multum , frustraque laboret . Others in vain a like success will boast , He speaks most easy , who has study'd most . Ne nimium teneris juvenentur versibus unquam , Aut immunda crepent ignominiosaque dicta : Offenduntur enim quibus est equus , & pater & res , Nec si quid fricti ciceris probat , & nucis emptor , Aequis accipiunt animis , donantve corona . A peer's pert heir has to the commons spoke A vile reflection , or a bawdy joke : Call'd to the house of lords , of this beware , 'Tis what the bishops' bench will never bear . Among the commons is such freedom shown , They lash each other , and attack the throne ; Yet so unskilful or so fearful some , For nine that speak there's nine-and-forty dumb . At nostri proavi Plautinos & numeros & Laudavêre sales ; nimium patienter utrumque , Nec dicam stulte , mirati ; si modo ego & vos Scimus inurbanum lepido seponere dicto , Legitimumque sonum digitis callemus & aure . When James the first , at great Britannia's helm , Rul'd this word-clipping and word-coining realm , No word to royal favour made pretence , But what agreed in sound and clash'd in sense . Thrice happy he ! how great that speaker's praise , Whose ev'ry period look'd an hundred ways . What then ? we now with just abhorrence shun The trifling quibble , and the school-boy's pun ; Tho' no great connoisseur , I make a shift Just to find out a Durfey from a Swift ; I can discern with half an eye , I hope , Mist from Jo Addison ; from Eusden , Pope : I know a farce from one of Congreve's plays , And Cibber's opera from Johnny Gay's . Ignotum Tragicae genus invenisse Camoenae Dicitur , & plaustris vexisse poëmata Thespis , Quae canerent agerentque peruncti faecibus ora Post hunc personae pallaeque repertor honestae Aeschylus , & modicis instravit pulpita tignis , Et docuit magnumque loqui , nitique cothurno . Successit vetus his Commoedia , non sine multa Laude : sed in vitium libertas excidit , & vim Dignam lege regi : lex est accepta , chorusque Turpiter obticuit sublato jure nocendi . When pert Defoe his saucy papers writ , He from a cart was pillor'd for his wit : By mob was pelted half a morning's space , And rotten eggs besmear'd his yellow face ; The Censor then improv'd the list'ning isle , And held both parties in an artful smile . A scribbling crew now pinching winter brings , That spare no earthly nor no heav'nly things , Nor church , nor state , nor treasurers , nor kings . But blasphemy displeases all the town ; And for defying scripture , law , and crown , Woolston should pay his fine , and lose his gown . Nil intentatum nostri liquêre Poëta ; Nec minimum meruêre decus , vestigia Graeca Ausi deserere , & celebrare domestica facta : Nec virtute foret clarisve potentius armis , Quàm linguâ , Latium , si non offenderet unum - quemque Peëtarum limae labor & mora . It must be own'd the journals try all ways To merit their respective party's praise : They jar in every article from Spain ; A war these threaten , those a peace maintain : Tho' lie they will , to give them all their due , In foreign matters , and domestick too . Whoe'er thou art that would'st a Postman write Enquire all day , and hearken all the night . Sure , Gazetteers and writers of Courants Might soon exceed th' intelligence of France : To be out-done old England should refuse , As in her arms , so in her publick news : But truth is scarce , the scene of action large , And correspondence an excessive charge . Ingenium miserâ quia fortunatius arte Credit , & excludit sanos Helicone Poëtas Democritus , bona pars non ungues ponere curat , Non barbam — Nanciscetur enim pretium nomenque Poëtae , Si tribus Anticyris caput insanabile nunquam Tonsori Licino commiserit . There are who say , no man can be a wit Unless for Newgate , or for Bedlam sit ; Let pamphleteers abusive satire write , To shew a genius is to shew a spite : That author's work will ne'er be reckon'd good , Who has not been where Curll the printer stood . — O ego laevus , Qui purgor hilem sub verni temporis horam : Non alius faceret meliora poëmata , verum Nil tanti est : ergo fungar vice cotis , acutum Reddere quae ferrum valet , exsors ipsa secandi ; Munus & officium , nil scribens ipse , docebo ; Unde parentur opes , quid alat formetque Poëtam : Quid deceat , quid non : quò virtus , quò ferat error . Alas poor me ! you may my Fortune guess : I write , and yet humanity profess : ( Though nothing can delight a modern judge , Without ill-nature and a private grudge ) I love the king , the queen , and royal race : I like the government , but want no place Too low in life to be a justice I , And for a constable , thank God , too high : Was never in a plot , my brain's not hurt ; I politicks to poetry convert , Scribendi recte , sapere est & principium & fons : Rem tibi Socraticae poterunt ostendere chartae , Verbaque provisam rem non invita sequentur . Qui didicit , patriae quid debeat , & quid amicis , Quo sit amori parens , quo frater amandus , et hospes , Quod sit conscripti , quod judicis officium , quae Partes in bellum missi ducis ; ille profectò Reddere personae scit convenientia cuique . A politician must ( as I have read ) Be furnish'd , in the first place , with a head : A head well fill'd with Machiavelian brains , And stuff'd with precedents of former reigns : Must journals read , and magna charta quote ; But acts still wiser , if he speaks by note : Learn well his lesson , and ne'er fear mistakes ; For ready-money ready-speakers makes . He must instructions and credentials draw , Pay well the army , and protect the law : Give to his country what's his country's due , But first help brothers , sons , and cousins too . He must read Grotius upon war and peace , And the twelve judges' salary increase . He must oblige old friends and new allies , And find out ways and means for fresh supplies . He must the weavers grievances redress , And merchants wants in merchants words express . Respicere exemplar vitae morumque jubebo Doctum imitatorem , & veras hinc ducere voces . Fabula , nullius veneris , sine pondere & arte , Valdius oblectat populum , meliusque moratur , Quam versus inopes rerum , nugaeque canorae . Dramatick poets that expect the bays , Should call our histories for party plays ; Wickford's Embassador should fill their head , And the State-trials carefully be read : For what is Dryden's muse and Otway's plots , To th' earl of Essex or the queen of Scots ? Graiis ingenium , Graiis dedit ore rotundo Musa loqui , &c. Romani pueri longis rationibus assem Discunt in partes centum diducere . Dicat Filius urbani , si de quincunce remota est Uncia , quid superest ? poteras dixisse , triens . Eu ! Rem poteris servare tuam . — redit uncia , quid fit ? Semis . Ad haec animos aerugo & cura peculî Cum semel imbuerit , speramus carmina fingi Posse linenda cedro , & laevi servanda cupresso ? 'Tis said that queen Elizabeth could speak , At twelve years old , right Attick full-mouth'd Greek ; Hence was the student forc'd at Greek to grudge , If he would be a bishop or a judge . Divines and lawyers now don't think they thrive , 'Till promis'd places of men still alive : How old is such a one in such a post ? The answer is , he's seventy-five almost : Th' archbishop and the master of the rolls ? Neither is young , and one's as old as Paul's . Will men that ask such questions , publish books Like learned Hooker's , or chief justice Coke's ? Quicquid praecipies , esto brevis ; ut cito dicta Percipiant animi dociles , teneantque fideles ; Omne supervacuum pleno de pectore manat . On tender subjects with discretion touch , And never say too little or too much . On trivial matters flourishes are wrong , Motions for candles never should be long : Or if you move in case of sudden rain , To shut the windows , speak distinct and plain . Unless you talk good English , downright sense , Can you be understood by serjeant Spence ? Ficta voluptatis causâ , sint proxima veris : Nec , quodcunque volet , poscat sibi fabula credi ; Neu pransae Lamiae vivum puerum extrahat alvo . New stories always should with truth agree , Or truth's half sister , probability : Scarce could Toft's rabbits and pretended throes On half the honourable house impose . Centuriae seniorum agitant expertia frugis ; Celsi praetereunt austera poëmata Rhamnes . Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci , Lectorem delectando , pariterque monendo . Hic meret aera liber Sosiis , hic & mare transit , Et longum noto scriptori prorogat aevum . When Cato speaks , young Shallow runs away , And swears it is so dull he cannot stay : When rakes begin on blasphemy to border , Bromley and Hanmer cry aloud — to order . The point is this , with manly sense and ease T' inform the judgment , and the fancy please . Praise it deserves , nor difficult the thing , At once to serve one's country , and one's king . Such speeches bring the wealthy Tonsons gain , From age to age they minuted remain , As precedents for George the twentieth's reign . Sunt delecta tamen , quibus ignovisse velimus ; Non semper feriet quodcunque minabitur arcus : Verum ubi plura nitent in carmine , non ego paucis Offendar maculis , quas aut incuria fudit . Aut humana parum cavit natura . Quid ergo est ? Ut scriptor si peccat idem librarius usque , Quamvis est monitus , venia caret : & Citharaedus Ridetur , chordâ qui semper oberrat eâdem : Sic mihi , qui multùm cessat , fit Choerilus ille , Quem bis terque bonum , cum risu miror : & idem Indignor qnandoque bonus dormitat Homerus : Verum opere in longo fas est obrepere somnum . Is there a man on earth so perfect found , Who ne'er mistook a word in sense or sound ? Not blund'ring , but persisting is the fault ; No mortal sin is Lapsus Linguae thought : Clerks may mistake ; considering who 'tis from , I pardon little slips in Cler. Dom. Com. But let me tell you I'll not take his part , If ev'ry Thursday he date Die Mart Of sputt'ring mortals , 'tis the fatal curse , By mending blunders still to make them worse . Men sneer when — gets a lucky thought , And stare if Wyndham should be nodding caught . But sleeping's what the wisest men may do , Should the committee chance to sit till two . Ut pictura Poësis erit ; quae , si propius stes , Te capiet magis : & quaedam , si longius abstes . Haec amat obscurum , volet haec sub luce videri ; Haec placuit semel , haec decies repetita placebit . Not unlike paintings , principles appear , Some best at distance , some when we are near . The love of politicks so vulgar's grown , My landlord's party from his sign is known : Mark of French wine , see Ormond's head appear , While Marlb'rough's face directs to beer and beer ; Some Buchanan's , the Pope's head some like best , The Devil tavern is a standing jest . O major juvenum — hoc tibi dictum Tolle memor , certis medium & tolerabile rebus Recte concedi — — Mediocribus esse Poëtis Non homines , non Dii , non concessêre columnae . Sic animis natum inventumque Poëma juvandis Si paulum a summo decessit , vergit ad imum . Whoe'er you are that have a seat secure , Duly return'd , and from petition sure , Stick to your friends in whatsoe'er you say ; With strong aversion shun the middle-way ; The middle-way the best we sometimes call , But 'tis in politicks no way at all . A Trimmer's what both parties turn to sport , By country hated , and despis'd at court . Who would in earnest to a party come , Must give his vote not whimsical , but plumb . There is no medium ; for the term in vogue , On either side is , honest man , or rogue . Can it be difficult our minds to shew , Where all the difference is , yes , or no ? Ludere qui nescit , campestribus abstinet armis : Indoctusque pilae , discive , trochive , quiescit , Ne spissae risum tollant impunè coronae ; Qui nescit , versus tamen audet fingere . — — Quid ni ? Liber & ingenuus praesertim census equestrem Summam nummorum , vitioque remotus ab omni . Membranis intus positis , delere licebit Quod non edideris : nescit vox missa reverti . In all professions , time and pains give skill ; Without hard study dare physicians kill ? Can he that ne'er read statutes or reports , Give chamber counsel , or urge law in courts ? But ev'ry whipster knows affairs of state , Nor fears on nicest subjects to debate . A knight of eighteen hundred pounds a year — Who minds his head , if his estate be clear ? Sure he may speak his mind , and tell the house , He matters not the government a louse . Lack-learning knights , these things are safely said To friends in private , at the Bedford-head ; But in the house , before your tongue runs on , Consult sir James , lord William's dead and gone . Words to recall is in no member's power , One single word may send you to the Tower . Sylvestres homines sacer interpresque Deorum Caedibus & victu foedo deterruit Orpheus . — Fuit haec sapientia quondam , Publica privatis secernere , sacra profanis : Concubitu prohibere vago , dare jura maritis ; Oppida moliri , leges incidere ligno . — Dictae per carmina sortes , Et vitae monstrata via est , & gratia regum Pieriis tentata modis : ludusque repertus Et longorum operum finis : — ne forte pudori Sit tibi Musa lyrae solers , & cantor Apollo . The wrong'd to help , the lawless to restrain , Thrice ev'ry year in ancient Egbert's reign , The members to the Mitchelgemot went , In after-ages called the Parliament ; Early the Mitchelgemot did begin T' inroll their statutes on a parchment skin : For impious treason hence no room was left , For murder , for polygamy , or theft : Since when the senate's power both sexes know From hops and claret , soap and callico . Now wholsome laws young senators bring in 'Gainst goals , attorneys , bribery , and gin . Since such the nature of the British state , The power of parliament so old and great , Ye 'squires and Irish lords , 'tis worth your care To be return'd for city , town , or shire , By sheriff , bailiff , constable , or mayor . Natura fieret laudabile carmen , an arte , Quaesitum est ; ego nec studium sine divite venâ , Nec rude quid profit video ingenium : alterius sic Altera poscit opem res , & conjurat amice . Some doubt , which to a seat has best pretence , A man of substance , or a man of sense : But never any member feats will do , Without a head-piece and a pocket too ; Sense is requir'd the depth of things to reach , And money gives authority to speech . Qui studet optatam cursu contingere metam , Multa tulit fecitque puer ; sudavit & alsit , Abstinuit venere & vina . — Nunc satis est dixisse , Ego mira poëmata pango : Occupet extremum scabies , mihi turpe relinqui est , Et , quod non didici , sane nescire fateri . A man of bus'ness won't till ev'ning dine , Abstains from women , company , and wine : From Fig's new theatre he'll miss a night , Tho' cocks , and bulls , and Irish women fight : Nor sultry sun , nor storms of soaking rain , The man of bus'ness from the house detain : Nor speaks he for no reason but to say , I am a member , and I spoke to-day . I speak sometimes , you'll hear his lordship cry , Because some speak that have less sense than I . Assentatores jubei ad lucrum ire Poëta , Dives agris , dives positis in foenore nummis . Si vero est unctum qui recte ponere possit , Et spondere levi pro paupere , & eripere atris Litibus implicitum , mirabor , si sciet inter - noscere mendacem verumque beatus amicum . Tu seu donaris , seu quid donare voles cui , Nolito ad versus tibi factos ducere plenum Laetitiae : clamabit enim , Pulchre , bene , recte ! — si carmina condes , Nunquam te fallant animi sub vulpe latentes . The man that has both land and money too , May wonders in a trading borough do : They'll praise his ven'son , and commend his port , Turn their two former members into sport , And , if he likes it , satirize the court . But at a feast 'tis difficult to know From real friends an undiscover'd foe ; The man that swears he will the poll secure , And pawns his soul that your election's sure , Suspect that man : beware , all is not right , He's , ten to one , a corporation-bite . Quintilio si quid recitares , corrige , sodes , Hoc , aiebat , & hoc : melius te posse negares , Bis terque expertum frustra , delere jubebat . Si defendere delictum , quam vertere , malles , Nullum ultra verbum , aut operam sumebat inanem , Quin sine rivali teque & tua solus amares . Alderman Pond , a downright honest man , Would say , I cannot help you , or I can : To spend your money , sir , is all a jest ; Matters are settled , set your heart at rest : We've made a compromise , and , sir , you know , That sends one member high , and t'other low . But if his good advice you would not take , He'd scorn your supper , and your punch forsake , Leave you of mighty interest to brag , And poll two voices like sir Robert Fag . Ut mala quem scabies aut morbus regius urguet , — dicam , Siculique Poëtae Narrabo interitum — Nec semel hoc fecit , nec si retractus erit , jam Fiet homo , & ponet famosae mortis amorem . Indoctum doctumque fugat recitator acerbus . Quem vero arripuit , tenet , occiditque legendo , Non missura cutem , nisi plena cruoris , hirudo . Parliamenteering is a sort of itch , That will too oft unwary knights bewitch . Two good estates sir Harry Clodpole spent ; Sate thrice , but spoke not once , in parliament ; Two good estates are gone — Who'll take his word ? Oh ! should his uncle die , he'd spend a third ; He'd buy a house his happiness to crown , Within a mile of some good borough-town ; Tag , rag , and bobtail to sir Harry's run , Men that have votes , and women that have none ; Sons , daughters , grandsons , with his honour dine ; He keeps a publick-house without a sign . Coblers and smiths extol th' ensuing choice , And drunken taylors boast their right of voice , Dearly the free-born neighbourhood is bought , They never leave him while he's worth a groat : So leeches stick , nor quit the bleeding wound , Till off they drop with skinfuls to the ground .