THE GOLDEN AGE, A POETICAL EPISTLE. Erasmus Darwin Alexander Huber Editor Bodleian Libraries, University of Oxford
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Eighteenth-Century Poetry Archive
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Oxford This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. N7154 K004299.000 Darwin, Erasmus, 1731-1802. The golden age, a poetical epistle: from Erasmus D-n, M.D. to Thomas Beddoes, M.D. London printed for F. and C. Rivington; and J. Cooke, Oxford 1794 pp. []-15. 15,[1]p. ; 4⁰.

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THE GOLDEN AGE , A POETICAL EPISTLE . BOAST of proud Shropshire , Oxford's lasting shame , Whom none but Coxcombs scorn , but Fools defame , Eternal war with dulness born to wage , Thou Paracelsus of this wondrous age ; BEDDOES , the philosophic Chymist's Guide , The Bigot's Scourge , of Democrats the Pride ; Accept this lay ; and to thy Brother , Friend , Or name more dear , a Sans Culotte attend , While in Rhyme's Galligaskins I enclose The broad posteriors of thy brawny prose , And sing , by thee inspir'd , in tuneful strain , The blest return of Saturn's golden reign ! Oh had I , silly swain , the force and fire Of some , whom Frenchmen's bloody deeds inspire ; Could I , ascending on the wing of sound , Pleas'd with the grand , the lofty and profound , Rise above mortal ken in rapturous glow , Leaving poor pursy Sense to pant below ; Could I , for ever studious to refine , Prank with my pearly phrase each pretty line , Or like an empty Bottle , deep immers'd , Whence Bubbles after Bubbles bustling burst , Amus'd to view my noisy nothings swell , In the sweet vanity of thought excel ; Now bursting o'er the bounds of vulgar Rhyme , Gracefully great and terribly sublime ; Trolling in full-toned melody along With all the clattering clang of modern song ; I'd hail the progress of those blissful days , When fair Philosophy's meridian rays Shall brighten Nature's face , shall drive the Moles Of blinking Error to their secret holes , Disperse the darkness of primaeval Night , And bid a new Creation rise to light ! Proceed , great days ! and bring , oh ! bring to view Things strange to tell ! Incredible , but true ! Behold , behold , the Golden Age appears : Skip , skip , ye Mountains ! Forests lend your Ears ! See red-capt Liberty from heaven descend , And real Prodigies her steps attend ! Nec varios discet mentiri lana colores : Ipse sed in pratis Aries jam suavè rubenti Murice , jam croceo mutabit vellera luto : Sponte suâ sandyx pascentes vestiet agnos . VIRGIL . No more immers'd in many a foreign dye Shall British wool be taught to blush and lie ; But all our pastures glow with purple Rams , With scarlet Lambkins , and their yellow Dams ! The renovation of the world under the benign influence of French Freedom has been long foretold by prophets of every description , by some who manufacture verses , others who manufacture cotton , by maudling Mrs's , and mincing Misses , by enlight ened Lawyers and more enlightened Physicians ; but by none more fully expected , more ardently longed for , than by Dr. Beddoes and A Gentleman of Pembroke College , Oxford , to whom Dr. Beddoes addresses a late elaborate work illegible appellation his " Dear Giddy ! " The great Dr. assures us , that not only science in general will shortly advance towards perfection , but that in particular " a new Medicine will arise from the ashes of the old with healing in its wings . " How this revolution is to be effected we are informed in the dedication of his Observations on Calculus , &c. p. 4. " We are just beginning to catch a glimpse of the laws of animal Nature ; and now when the human mind seems in so many countries illegible be roused from that torpor , by which it has so long been benumbed , we may reason ably indulge the expectation of a rapid progress in this the most beneficial of all the sciences . An infinitely small portion of genius has hitherto been exerted to diminish the sum of our painful sensations ; and the force of society has been exclusively at the disposal of Des pots and Juntos , the great Artificers of human Evil . Should an entire change in these two respects any where take place , every member of society might soon expect to experience in his own person the consequence of so happy an innovation ; and should the example be generally illegible , there is no improvement in the condition of the World , for which we might not illegible from the bloodless rivalship of Nations . " But we are told , that the same influence of Liberty and Genius will not only in other respects effect equal wonders , but produce greater blessings . " We know , " exclaims this egregious Chymist , " that vegetables are capable of forming oils either exactly the same as those of Animals , or very nearly resembling them . Thus we have the suet of the Croton Sebiferum , the butter of the Phoenix Dactylifera and of the Butyrum Cacao . When , from a more intimate acquaint ance with them , we shall be better able to apply the Laws of organic bodies to the accommo dation as well as preservation of Life , may we not , by regulating the vegetable functions , teach our woods and hedges to supply us with Butter and Tallow ? " Observations on Calculus , &c. p. 109. No more the lazy Ox shall gormandize , And swell with fattening grass his monstrous size ; No more trot round and round the groaning field , But tons of Beef our loaded Thickets yield ! The patient Dairy-Maid no more shall learn With tedious toil to whirl the frothy Churn ; But from the Hedges shall her Dairy fill , As pounds of Butter in big drops distil ! The sottish Jews , who in a God believ'd , And sometimes blessings , oftener plagues receiv'd , Shouted a Miracle , when on the ground Their boasted bread the greedy grumblers found : By no dry crusts shall Infidels be fed , Our soil producing Butter to our Bread ! See reverend Thames , who God of Rivers reigns , And winds meand'ring through our richest plains , To treat the Cits , that many a sixpence give Once in a week like Gentlemen to live , Resign his majesty of mud , and stream O'er strawberry beds in deluges of Cream ! See Tallow Candles tip the modest Thorn , Candles of Wax the prouder Elm adorn ! See the dull Clown survey with stupid stare Where Leaves once grew , now periwigs of Hair ! While fluids , which a wondrous change betray , Ooze from the vernal bud , the summer spray , Differing from animals alone in name , ( As Botanists already half exclaim ) . See plants , susceptible of joy and woe , Feel all we feel , and know whate'er we know ! View them like us inclin'd to watch or sleep , Like us to smile , and , ah ! like us to weep ! Like us behold them glow with warm desire , And catch from Beauty's glance celestial fire ! Then , oh ! ye fair , if through the shady grove Musing on absent Lovers you should rove , And there with tempting step all heedless brush Too near some wanton metamorphos'd Bush , Or only hear perchance the western breeze Steal murmuring through the animated Trees , Beware , beware , lest to your cost you find The Bushes dangerous , dangerous too the Wind , Lest , ah ! too late with shame and grief you feel What your fictitious Pads would ill conceal ! While Plants turn Animals , Man , happy Man , " If this supposition were just , might not some means be discovered to protract the period of Youth and Vigour indefinitely ? Whether true or false , and even though we should never be able to restore new excitability to the system , there can be no doubt of the immediate practicability of prolonging Life considerably ; and what is much more desirable , of maintaining a firmer state of Health . " Observations on Calculus , &c. p. 106. " Nor , however remote Medicine may be at present from such perfection , do I see any reason to doubt , that by taking advantage of various and continual acces sions as they accrue to Science , the same power may be acquired over living as is at present exercised over some inanimate bodies ; and that not only the cure and preven tion of diseases , but the art of protracting the fairest season of Life , and rendering Health more vigorous , will one day half realize the dream of Alchemy ! " Beddoes's Letter to Darwin , p. 29. To ages shall extend Life's lengthen'd span . Bane to our bliss , no more the wrinkled face Beauty's bewitching circles shall disgrace ; But see the reigning Toast half kind , half coy , Her Rivals' envy , and her Lover's Joy , Skill'd to allure , to charm us , and beguile , In all the bloom of Eighty sit and smile ! Thus shall each Belle a lovely L'ENCLOS prove , Drive Boys of future Cent'ries mad with love ; The Marriage Table its degrees extend , And to our great , great Grandmother ascend . Poor POPE , who griev'd " that Life could scarce supply " More than to look about him , and to die , " Had he but flourish'd in these Halcyon days , Might long have bid Life's little Candle blaze , Have grown strait , handsome , brisk and debonnair , The Muses ' favourite , favourite of the Fair ! Happy the Poet's lot , who can prolong , Till time shall be no more , his deathless song ; And live himself to see his swelling name Roll , like a Snowball , gathering all its fame ! Happy , thrice happy he , who at his will Can drink of Life's sweet cup his constant fill ; Dr. Beddoes , in a little tract addressed to the Author of this Epistle , entertains us with a long history of how he made himself very lean , very fair ( his complexion having been before of an uniform brown ) , very pretty , and very consumptive , by the use of a certain " Cosmetic " called Oxygenous Air ; and how he afterwards cured himself of the said Leanness and Consumption at his Friend's , Quaker Reynolds's , in Colnbrook Dale , by a diet in which Butter and Cream bore the largest proportions . See pages 50 , 51 , 52 , 53 , 54 , and 55. Who , if excess of Oxygene create Symptoms , which lean Consumption indicate , A sure specific can procure with ease , Rich Cream and Butter from his herd of Trees : Or if he find excess of To prevent our Sailors from growing fat , and afterwards falling into the Scurvy ( of which Obesity , we are informed , is the first symptom ) , Dr. Beddoes proposes that the jolly Tars should eat their food raw ! Observations , p. 60. Hydrogene His body load with fat , his mind with spleen , True health and vigour to restore , can take From some regenerate Oak a savoury steak , Sliced off the slaughter'd Monster's quondam stump , Converted now into a real Rump , And , blest with an accommodating maw , Devour the luscious bit , red , recent , raw ! Now rise , my Muse , and , warm with rapture , dart From Men to Manners , " Fancy to the Heart . " Transporting sight ! to view the Sons of Pride Their little heads with shame and sorrow hide , Ranks and Distinctions cease , all reeking lie In the mean muck of low Equality ! Favourites of freedom , Sons of frisky France , Who never learnt like British Bears to dance , And , while their Premier's humdrum Bagpipes sound , Led by the nose , jog growling round and round ; But more like Monkeys , airy , light , and gay , Pleas'd on your Master's head to skip and play ; Ye pious Atheists , Moralists , who deem The Christian's Heaven and Hell an idle Dream , Delighted to deride all vulgar fears Of Beelzebub's black Claws , cropt Tail , and Ears , With manly Scorn and Dignity to tread On prostrate Superstition's hoary head ; Who , foes to Power Despotic , dare defy The King of Kings , that Bugbear of the sky ; Dreading for present crimes no future rod , Self-praise your worship , Vanity your God : Oh how my Eyes with tears ecstatic fill , What new felt transports through my bosom thrill , When I behold you with gigantic blow The pigmy pride of Royalty lay low , With pikes and guns this moral dogma teach — Virtue consists in nudity of Breech ! Soon shall we view no more the glittering Things Bestarr'd , begarter'd , and befool'd by Kings ; The pretty Twinklers that so sweetly shone , And deem'd their lovely lustre all their own ! No more the Despot view , whose mighty nods Shook nature , and proclaim'd him God of Gods ; Drunk with applause who rais'd his rolling Eyes , And seem'd , whene'er he mov'd , to tread the skies ! Despis'd , detested , all shall wing their flight , And sink , no more to rise , in endless night ! Arm'd with a bristled End and glittering Awl , Behold a minor Monarch in his Stall ! No circling Gold his royal brow surrounds , A Yard of Room his sphere of Action bounds ; His sole ambition and his prime pursuit , With skill a Shoe to patch , to stitch a Boot ! Nor deem his fate severe ! The time may come When many a pious King in Christendom , Dash'd from his throne , and made Dame Fortune's Fool , Shall envy little Capet's cobbling stool ! Mark with the Peer and Prince the " It is a law of human Nature , the less of ecclesiastical influence , the less of deadly animosity among Men . " — " It is reasonable to presume that the majority of French Priests in England partake of the Spirit of their Brethren ; and to a large portion of the popish Priesthood , Christianity is believed , upon good grounds , to be as much foolish ness as it was to the Greeks . Their faith in the advantages of the immense emolu ments which those Reverend Robbers , their predecessors , had extorted from superstitious Barbarians , never suffered any abatement ; hence probably that conduct to which their sufferings are to be imputed . " — " Through all the calumny that has been vomited forth against the French , the most injured and most enlightened people upon Earth , it is easy to discern some advantages which the Nation owes to Liberty — Tythes , the accursed relic of Popery , have been abolished . — France is purged not only from Ec clesiastical Drones , which consumed the sweetest honey of the hive , but also from the monstrous debauchery of the richer , and the beggarly insolence of the poorer Noblesse . " — Dr. Beddoes's admirable Reasons for believing the friends of Liberty in France not to be the Authors or Abettors of the crimes committed in that Country ; humbly addressed to those who from time to time constitute themselves Judges and Jury upon affairs public and private and , without admitting any testimony but the gross lies of Beldame Rumour , damn their Neighbours individually , and the rest of the World by the Lump ; the celebrated Hand bill circulated in Shropshire , which eventually occasioned his resignation of the Chemical Chair in the University of Oxford . canting Priest , Forbidden on his Country's fat to feast , While peace looks down sweet smiling on the swains , And untax'd Plenty crowns the fruitful plains ! No more that lazy Lubbard shall we pay , With phiz so farcical to preach and pray ; No more behold that Harpy of the land Lay on our largest sheaves his greedy hand ; With Bigotry's black banner wide unfurl'd , Fright into Gothic Ignorance the world : But Truth and Light shall come , with hostile rage , " To drive the holy Vandal off the stage . " See Tythes expire , and ancient Slavery fail ; Proud Superstition turn her vanquish'd tail ; No zealous Minister the Church befriend , But all her sorceries with the Beldame end : Lo ! Babylon is fallen ! That mystic — That Sink of Wickedness , is now no more ! Great Babylon is fallen ! Shout , shout , ye Meads ! And , oh ! ye Corn-fields , wave your happy heads ! Ye lovely Lambkins , strain your feeble voice , And with your Dams in loudest Baas rejoice ! Calves , join your notes to swell the gladdening sound ! Cows , let your lowings from the skies rebound ! Prolific Ducks , quack mid the mighty noise ! Hens , more prolific , cackle out your joys ! And ye , oh ! Swine , lift up your little Eyes , With rapture riot round your rotten Styes ! Stretch your triumphant throats , and strive to make The frighten'd welkin with your Gruntings shake ! FINIS .