[THE NEW BATH GUIDE: OR, MEMOIRS of the B — R

[ THE NEW BATH GUIDE : OR , MEMOIRS of the B — R — D FAMILY . ] [ In a SERIES of POETICAL EPISTLES . ]

[ Part the First . ]

Miss JENNY W — D — R to Lady ELIZ. M — D — SS , at — Castle , North . LETTER I. CONTAINING , A View from the Parades at BATH , with some Account of the DRAMATIS PERSONAE . SWEET are yon Hills , that crown this fertile Vale ! Ye genial Springs ! PIERIAN Waters , hail ! Hail , Woods and Lawns ! Yes — oft I'll tread Yon' Pine-clad Mountain's Side , Oft trace the gay enamel'd Mead , Where AVON rolls his Pride . Sure , next to fair CASTALIA's Streams And PINDUS ' flow'ry Path , APOLLO most the Springs esteems , And verdant Meads of Bath . The Muses haunt these hallow'd Groves And here their Vigils keep , Here teach fond Swains their hapless Loves In gentle Strains to weep . From Water sprung like Flow'rs from Dew What Troops of Bards appear ! The God of Verse , and Physic too , Inspires them twice a Year . Take then , my Friend , the sprightly Rhyme , While you inglorious waste your Prime , At Home in cruel Durance pent , On dull domestic Cares intent , Forbid , by Parent's harsh Decree , To share the Joys of Bath with me . Ill-judging Parent ! blind to Merit , Thus to confine a Nymph of Spirit ! With all thy Talents doom'd to fade And wither in th' unconscious Shade ! I vow , my Dear , it moves my Spleen , Such frequent Instances I've seen Of Fathers , cruel and unkind , To all paternal Duty blind . What Wretches do we meet with often , Whose Hearts no Tenderness can soften ! Sure all good Authors should expose Such Parents , both in Verse and Prose , And Nymphs inspire with Resolution , Ne'er to submit to Persecution . This wholesome Satyr much enhances The Merit of our best Romances ; And modern Plays , that I could mention , With Judgment fraught , and rare Invention Are wrote with much the same Intention ; But , thank my Stars ! that worthy Pair Who undertook a Guardian's Care , My Spirit never have confin'd : ( An Instance of their gen'rous Mind ) For Lady B — N — R — D , my Aunt , Herself propos'd this charming Jaunt , All from Redundancy of Care For SIM , her fav'rite Son and Heir : To him the joyous Hours I owe That Bath's enchanting Scenes bestow ; Thanks to her Book of choice Receipts , That pamper'd Him with sav'ry Meats ; Nor less that Day deserves a Blessing She cramm'd his Sister to Excess in : For now she sends both Son and Daughter For Crudities to drink the Water . And here they are , all Bile and Spleen , The strangest Fish that e'er were seen ; With TABBY RUNT , their Maid , poor Creature , The queerest Animal in Nature : I'm certain none of HOGARTH's Sketches E'er form'd a Set of stranger Wretches . I own , my Dear , it hurts my Pride , To see them blund'ring by my Side ; My Spirits flag , my Life and Fire Is mortify'd au Desespoir , When SIM , unfashionable Ninny , In Public calls me Cousin Jenny ; And yet , to give the Wight his Due , He has some Share of Humour too , A comic Vein of pedant Learning His Conversation you'll discern in , The oddest Compound you can see Of Shrewdness and Simplicity , With nat'ral Strokes of aukward Wit , That oft , like Parthian Arrows hit , For when He seems to dread the Foe He always strikes the hardest Blow ; And when you'd think He means to flatter , His Panegyrics turn to Satire : But then no Creature you can find Knows half so little of Mankind , Seems always blund'ring in the dark , And always making some Remark ; Remarks , that so provoke one's Laughter , One can't imagine what he's after : And sure you'll thank me for exciting In SIM a wondrous Itch for Writing ; With all his serious Grimace To give Descriptions of the Place . No Doubt his Mother will produce His Poetry for gen'ral Use , And if his Bluntness does not fright you , His Observations must delight you ; For truly the good Creature's Mind Is honest , generous , and kind : If unprovok'd , will ne'er displease ye , Or ever make one Soul uneasy . — I'll try to make his Sister PRUE Take a small Trip to Pindus too . And me the Nine shall all inspire To tune for Thee the warbling Lyre ; For Thee , the Muse shall ev'ry Day Speed , by the Post , her rapid Way . For Thee , my Friend , I'll oft explore Deep Treasures of Romantic Lore , Nor wonder , if I Gods create , As all good Bards have done of late ; 'Twill make my Verse run smooth and even , To call new Deities from Heaven : Come then , thou Goddess I adore , But soft — my Chairman's at the Door , The Ball's begun — my Friend , no more . J — W — D — R. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER II . Mr. B — N — R — D's Reflections on his Arrival at Bath . — The Case of Himself and Co. — The Acquaintance He commences , &c. &c. WE all are a wonderful Distance from Home ! Two Hundred and Sixty long Miles are we come ! And sure you'll rejoice , my dear Mother , to hear We are safely arriv'd at the Sign of the Bear . 'Tis a plaguy long Way ! — but I ne'er can repine , As my Stomach is weak , and my Spirits decline : For the People say here , — be whatever your Case , You are sure to get well , if you come to this Place . — Miss JENNY made Fun , as she always is wont , Of PRUDENCE my Sister , and TABITHA RUNT , And every Moment she heard me complain , Declar'd I was vapour'd , and laugh'd at my Pain . What , tho' at Devizes I fed pretty hearty , And made a good Meal , like the rest of the Party , When I came here to Bath , not a Bit could I eat , Though the Man at the Bear had provided a Treat , And so I went quite out of Spirits to Bed , With Wind in my Stomach , and Noise in my Head . As we all came for Health , ( as a Body may say ) I sent for the Doctor the very next Day , And the Doctor was pleas'd , tho' so short was the Warning , To come to our Lodgings betimes in the Morning ▪ He look'd very thoughtful and grave , to be sure , And I said to myself , — There's no Hopes of a Cure ! But I thought I should faint when I saw him , dear Mother , Feel my Pulse with one Hand , with a Watch in the other , No Token of Death that is heard in the Night Could ever have put me so much in a Fright , Thinks I — 'tis all over — my Sentence is past ! And now He is counting how long I may last . — Then He look'd at — and His Face grew so long , I'm sure He thought something within me was wrong . — He determin'd our Cases at length ( G-d preserve us ) I'm Bilious , I find , and the Women are Nervous ; Their Systems relax'd , and all turn'd topsy-turvy , With Hypochondriacs , Obstructions , and Scurvy : And these are Distempers He must know the whole on , For He talk'd of the Peritoneum and Colon , Of Phleghmatic Humours oppressing the Women From soeculent Matter that swells the Abdomen ; But the Noise I have heard in my Bowels like Thunder Is a Flatus , I find , in my left Hypochonder . So Plenty of Med'cines each Day does He send Post singulas liquidas Sedes sumend ' Ad Crepitus Vesper : & Man : promovend ' In English to say , we must swallow a Potion For driving out Wind after every Motion ; The same to continue for Three Weeks at least , Before we may venture the Waters to taste . Five Times have I purg'd , — yet I'm sorry to tell ye I find the same Gnawing and Wind in my Belly ; But , without any Doubt , I shall find myself stronger , When I've took the same Physic a Week or two longer . He gives little TABBY a great many Doses , For he says the poor Creature has got the Chlorosis , Or a ravenous Pica , so brought on the Vapours By swallowing Stuff she has read in the Papers , And often I've marvel'd she spent so much Money In Water-Dock Essence , and Balsam of Honey ; Such Tinctures , Elixirs , such Pills have I seen , I never could wonder her Face was so green . Yet He thinks He can very soon set Her to right With Testic : Equin : that she takes ev'ry Night ; And when to her Spirits and Strength He has brought her , He thinks she may venture to bathe in the Water . — But PRUDENCE is forc'd ev'ry Day to ride out , For he says she wants thoroughly jumbling about . Now it happens in this very House is a Lodger , Whose Name's NICODEMUS , but some call him ROGER : And ROGER's so good as my Sister to bump On a Pillion , as soon as she comes from the Pump ; He's a pious good Man , and an excellent Scholar , And I think it is certain no Harm can befall Her , For ROGER is constantly saying his Pray'rs , And singing of spiritual Hymns on the Stairs . But my Cousin Miss JENNY's as fresh as a Rose , And the Captain attends Her wherever she goes : The Captain's a worthy good Sort of a Man , For He calls in upon us whenever He can , And often a Dinner or Supper He takes here , And JENNY and He talk of MILTON and SHAKESPEAR , For the Life of me now I can't think of his Name , But we all got acquainted as soon as we came . Don't wonder , dear Mother , in Verse I have writ , For JENNY declares I've a good pretty Wit ; She says that she frequently sends a few Verses To Friends and Acquaintance , and often rehearses : Declares 'tis the Fashion , and all the World knows There's nothing so filthy , so vulgar as Prose . And I hope , as I write without any Connection , I shall make a great Figure in DODSLEY's Collection ; At least , when he chooses his Book to encrease , I may take a small Flight , as a fugitive Piece . — But now , my dear Mother , I'm quite at a Stand , So I rest your most dutiful Son to Command , SIM . B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766.

Miss JENNY W — D — R to Lady ELIZ. M — D — SS , at — Castle , North . LETTER III . CONTAINING The Birth of FASHION , a Specimen of a Modern Ode . SURE there are Charms by Heav'n assign'd To modish Life alone , A Grace , an Air , a Taste refin'd , To vulgar Souls unknown . Nature , my Friend , profuse in vain May ev'ry Gift impart , If unimprov'd , they ne'er can gain An Empire o'er the Heart . Dress be our Care , in this gay Scene Of Pleasure's blest Abode , Enchanting Dress ! if well I ween , Fit Subject for an Ode . Come then , Nymph of various Mien , Vot'ry true of Beauty's Queen , Whom the young and ag'd adore , And thy diff'rent Arts explore , FASHION , come . — On me a-while Deign fantastic Nymph to smile . MORIA The Goddess of FOLLY . Thee , in Times of Yore , To the motley PROTEUS bore ; He , in Bishop's Robes array'd , Went one Night to Masquerade , Where thy simple Mother stray'd . She was clad like harmless Quaker , And was pleas'd my Lord should take her By the Waist , and kindly shake her ; And , with Look demure , said she , " Pray my Lord , — do you know me ? He with soothing flatt'ring Arts , Such as win all female Hearts , Much extoll'd her Wit and Beauty , And declar'd it was his Duty , As she was a Maid of Honour , To confer his Blessing on her . There mid Dress of various Hue , Crimson , yellow , green , and blue , All on Furbelows and Laces , Slipt into her chaste Embraces ; Then , like fainted Rogue , cry'd He , " Little Quaker , — you know me . Fill'd with Thee she went to France , Land renown'd for Complaisance , Vers'd in Science debonnair , Bowing , dancing , dressing Hair ; There she chose her Habitation , Fix'd thy Place of Education . Nymph , at thy auspicious Birth HERE strew'd with Flow'rs the Earth ; Thee to welcome , all the Graces , Deck'd in Ruffles , deck'd in Laces , With the God of Love attended , And the CYPRIAN Queen , descended . Now you trip it o'er the Globe , Clad in party colour'd Robe , And , with all thy Mother's Sense , Virtues of your Sire dispense . Goddess , if from Hand like mine Ought be worthy of thy Shrine , Take the flow'ry Wreath I twine . Lead , oh ! lead me by the Hand , Guide me with thy Magic Wand ; Whether thou in Lace and Ribbons Choose the Form of Mrs. GIBBONS , Or the Nymph of smiling Look , At Bath yclept JANETTA COOK . Bring , O bring thy Essence Pot , Amber , Musk , and Bergamot , Eau de Chipre , Eau de Luce , Sans Parcil , and Citron Juice , Nor thy Band-Box leave behind , Fill'd with Stores of ev'ry Kind ; All th' enraptur'd Bard supposes , Who to FANCY Odes composes ; All that FANCY's self has feign'd , In a Band-Box is contain'd : Painted Lawns , and chequer'd Shades , Crape , that's worn by love-lorn Maids , Water'd Tabbies , flow'r'd Brocades ; Vi'lets , Pinks , Italian Posies , Myrtles , Jessamin and Roses , Aprons , Caps , and ' Kerchiefs clean , Straw-built Hats , and Bonnets green , Catgut Gauzes , Tippets , Ruffs , Fans and Hoods , and feather'd Muffs , Stomachers , and Parisnets , Ear-Rings , Necklaces , Aigrets , Fringes , Blonds , and Mignionets . Fine Vermillion for the Cheek , Velvet Patches a la Grecque . Come , but don't forget the Gloves Which , with all the smiling Loves , VENUS caught young CUPID picking From the tender Breast of Chicken ; Little Chicken , worthier far Than the Birds of JUNO's Car , Soft as CYTHEREA's Dove , Let thy Skin my Skin improve ; Thou by Night shalt grace my Arm , And by Day shalt teach to charm . Then , O sweet Goddess , bring with Thee Thy boon Attendant Gaiety , Laughter , Freedom , Mirth , and Ease , And all the smiling Deities ; Fancy , spreading painted Sails , Loves that fan with gentle Gales . — But hark — methinks I hear a Voice , My Organs all at once rejoice ; A Voice , that says , or seems to say , " Sister , hasten , Sister gay , " Come to the Pump-Room , — come away . J — W — D — R. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER IV . A Consultation of PHYSICIANS . DEAR Mother , my Time has been wretchedly spent With a Gripe or a Hickup wherever I went , My Stomach all swell'd , till I thought it would burst , Sure never poor Mortal with Wind was so curst ! If ever I ate a good Supper at Night , I dream'd of the Devil , and wak'd in a Fright : And so as I grew ev'ry Day worse and worse , The Doctor advis'd me to send for a Nurse ; And the Nurse was so willing my Health to restore , She beg'd me to send for a few Doctors more ; For when any difficult Work's to be done , Many Heads can dispatch it much sooner than one ; And I find there are Doctors enough at this Place , If you want to consult in a dangerous Case . So they all met together , and thus began talking : " Good Doctor , I'm your's — 'tis a fine Day for walking — " Sad News in the Papers — G-d knows who's to blame — " The Colonies seem to be all in a Flame — " This Stamp-Act , no doubt , might be good for the Crown — " But I sear 'tis a Pill that will never go down — " What can Portugal mean ? — is She going to stir up " Convulsions and Heats in the Bowels of Europe ? " 'Twill be fatal if England relapses again " From the ill Blood and Humours of Bourbon and Spain . " — Says I , my good Doctors , I can't understand Why the Deuce ye take so many Patients in Hand , Ye've a great deal of Practice , as far as I find ; But since ye're come hither , do pray be so kind To write me down something that's good for the Wind . No Doubt ye are all of ye great Politicians , But at present my Bowels have need of Physicians : Consider my Case in the Light it deserves , And pity the State of my Stomach and Nerves . — But a tight little Doctor began a Dispute About Administrations , NEW — LE and B — E , Talk'd much of Oeconomy , much of Prosuseness . — Says another — " This Case , which at first was a Looseness , " Is become a Tenesmus , and all we can do " Is to give him a gentle Cathartic or two ; " First get off the Phlegm that adheres to the Plicae , " Then throw in a Med'cine that's pretty and spicy , — " A Peppermint Draught , — or a — Come , let's be gone , " We've another bad Case to consider at One . " So thus they brush'd off , each his Cane at his Nose , When JENNY came in , who had heard all their Prose : I'll teach them , says she , at their next Consultation , To come and take Fees for the Good of the Nation . I could not conceive what the Devil she mean't , But she seiz'd all the Stuff that the Doctor had sent , And out of the Window she flung it down souse , As the first Politician went out of the House . Decoctions and Syrups around him all flew , The Pill , Bolus , Julep , and Apozem too ; His Wig had the Luck a Cathartic to meet , And squash went the Gallipot under his Feet . She said 'twas a Shame I should swallow such Stuff When my Bowels were weak , and the Physic so rough ; Declar'd she was shock'd that so many should come To be Doctor'd to Death , such a Distance from Home , At a Place where they tell you that Water alone Can cure all Distempers that ever were known . But what is the pleasantest Part of the Story , She has order'd for Dinner a Piper and Dory ; For to-Day Captain CORMORANT's coming to dine , That worthy Acquaintance of JENNY's and mine . 'Tis a Shame to the Army , that Men of such Spirit Should never obtain the Reward of their Merit , For the Captain's as gallant a Man , I'll be sworn , And as honest a Fellow as ever was born ; After so many Hardships and Dangers incurr'd , He Himself thinks He ought to be better preferr'd ; And ROGER , or what is his Name , NICODEMUS , Appears full as kind , and as much to esteem us ; Our PRUDENCE declares he's an excellent Preacher , And by Night and by Day is so good as to teach her ; His Doctrine so sound with such Spirit he gives , She ne'er can forget it as long as she lives . I told you before that He's often so kind As to go out a riding with PRUDENCE behind , So frequently dines here without any pressing , And now to the Fish he is giving his Blessing ; And as that is the Case , tho' I've taken a Griper , I'll venture to peck at the Dory and Piper . And now , my dear Mother , &c. &c. &c. S — B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER V. Salutations of BATH , and an Adventure of Mr. B — N — R — D's in Consequence thereof . NO City , dear Mother , this City excels For charming sweet Sounds both of Fiddles and Bells ; I thought , like a Fool , that they only would ring For a Wedding , or Judge , or the Birth of a King ; But I found 'twas for Me that the good-natur'd People Rung so hard that I thought they would pull down the Steeple , So I took out my Purse , as I hate to be shabby , And paid all the Men when they came from the Abbey ; Yet some think it strange they should make such a Riot In a Place where sick Folk would be glad to be quiet , But I hear 'tis the Business of this Corporation To welcome in all the Great Men of the Nation , For you know there is nothing diverts or employs The Minds of Great People like making a Noise : So with Bells they contrive all as much as they can To tell the Arrival of any such Man . If a Broker , or Statesman , a Gamester , or Peer , A nat'raliz'd Jew or a Bishop comes here ; Or an eminent Trader in Cheese should retire Just to think of the Bus'ness the State may require , With Horns and with Trumpets , with Fiddles and Drums , They'll strive to divert him as soon as he comes . 'Tis amazing they find such a Number of Ways Of employing his Thoughts all the Time that he stays ; If by chance the Great Man at his Lodging alone is , He may view from his Window the Colliers Ponies On both the Parades , where they tumble and kick , To the great Entertainment of those that are sick : What a Number of Turnspits and Builders he'll find For relaxing his Cares , and unbending his Mind , While Notes of sweet Music contend with the Cries Of fine potted Laver , fresh Oysters , and Pies ! And Music's a Thing I shall truly revere , Since the City-Musicians so tickled my Ear ; For when we arriv'd here at Bath t'other Day , They came to our Lodgings on Purpose to play : And I thought it was right , as the Music was come , To foot it a little in TABITHA's Room , For Practice makes perfect , as often I've read , And to Heels is of Service as well as the Head ; But the Lodgers were shock'd such a Noise we should make , And the Ladies declar'd that we kept them awake ; Lord RINGBONE , who lay in the Parlour below , On Account of the Gout he had got in his Toe , Began on a sudden to curse and to swear , I protest , my dear Mother , 'twas shocking to hear The Oaths of that reprobate gouty old Peer : " All the Devils in Hell sure at once have concurr'd " To make such a Noise here as never was heard , " Some blundering Blockhead , while I am in Bed , " Treads as hard as a Coach-Horse just over my Head ; " I cannot conceive what a Plague he's about , " Are the Fidlers come hither to make all this Rout " With their d-mn'd squeaking Catgut that's worse than the Gout ? " If the Aldermen bad 'em come hither , I swear " I wish they were broiling in Hell with the May'r ; " May Flames be my Portion if ever I give " Those Rascals one Farthing as long as I live . " — So while they were playing their musical Airs , And I was just dancing the Hay round the Chairs , He roar'd to his Frenchman to kick them down Stairs . The Frenchman came forth with his outlandish Lingo , Just the same as a Monkey , and made all the Men go : I could not make out what he said , not a Word , And his Lordship declar'd I was very absurd . Says I , " Master RINGBONE , I've nothing to fear , Tho' you be a Lord , and your Man a Mounseer , For the May'r and the Aldermen bad them come here : ' — As absurd as I am , ' I don't care a Damn ' For you , nor your Valee de Sham : ' For a Lord , do you see , ' Is nothing to me , ' Any more than a Flea ; ' And your Frenchman so eager , ' With all his Soup Meagre , ' Is no more than a Mouse , ' Or a Bug , or a Louse , ' And I'll do as I please while I stay in the House ; ' For the B — N — R — D Family all can afford 'To part with their Money as free as a Lord . — ' So I thank'd the Musicians , and gave them a Guinea , Tho' the Ladies and Gentlemen call'd me a Ninny ; And I'll give them another the next Time they play , For Men of good Fortune encourage , they say , All Arts and all Sciences too in their Way ; And the Men were so kind as to hallow and bawl " G-d bless you , Sir , thank you , good Fortune befall Yourself , and the B — N — R — D Family all . — Excuse any more , — for I very well know Both my Subject and Verse — is exceedingly low ; But if any great Critic finds Fault with my Letter , He has nothing to do but to send you a better . And now , my dear Mother , &c. &c. &c. S — B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER VI . IN WHICH Mr. B — N — R — D gives a Description of the BATHING . THIS Morning , dear Mother , as soon as 'twas light , I was wak'd by a Noise that astonish'd me quite , For in TABITHA's Chamber I heard such a Clatter , I could not conceive what the Deuce was the Matter : And , would you believe it ? I went up and found her In a Blanket , with two lusty Fellows around her , Who both seem'd a going to carry her off in A little black Box just the Size of a Coffin : Pray tell me , says I , what ye're doing of there ? " Why , Master , 'tis hard to be bilk'd of our Fare , " And so we were thrusting her into a Chair : " We don't see no Reason for using us so , " For she bad us come hither , and now she won't go ; " We're earn'd all the Fare , for we both came and knock'd her " Up , as soon as 'twas light , by Advice of the Doctor ; " And this is a Job that we often go a'ter " For Ladies that choose to go into the Water . " ' But pray , ' says I , ' TABITHA , what is your Drift 'To be cover'd in Flannel instead of a Shift ? ' 'Tis all by the Doctor's Advice , I suppose , ' That Nothing is left to be seen but your Nose : ' I think if you really intend to go in , ' 'Twould do you more good if you stript to the Skin , ' And if you've a Mind for a Frolick , i'fa'th ' I'll just step and see you jump into the Bath . ' So they hoisted her down just as safe and as well And as snug as a Hod'mandod rides in his Shell : I fain would have gone to see TABITHA dip , But they turn'd at a Corner and gave me the Slip , Yet in searching about I had better Success , For I got to a Place where the Ladies undress ; Thinks I to myself , they are after some Fun , And I'll see what they're doing as sure as a Gun : So I peep'd at the Door , and I saw a great Mat That cover'd a Table , and got under that , And laid myself down there , as snug and as still ( As a Body may say ) like a Thief in a Mill : And of all the fine Sights I have seen , my dear Mother , I never expect to behold such another : How the Ladies did giggle and set up their Clacks , All the while an old Woman was rubbing their Backs ! Oh 'twas pretty to see them all put on their Flannels , And then take the Water like so many Spaniels , And tho' all the while it grew hotter and hotter , They swam , just as if they were hunting an Otter ; 'Twas a glorious Sight to behold the Fair Sex All wading with Gentlemen up to their Necks , And view them so prettily tumble and sprawl In a great smoaking Kettle as big as our Hall : And To-Day many Persons of Rank and Condition Were boil'd by Command of an able Physician , Dean SPAVIN , Dean MANGEY , and Doctor DR'SQUIRT , Were all sent from Cambridge to rub off their Dirt ; Judge SCRUB , and the worthy old Counsellor PEST Join'd Issue at once , and went in with the rest : And this they all said was exceedingly good For strength'ning the Spirits , and mending the Blood . It pleas'd me to see how they all were inclin'd To lengthen their Lives for the Good of Mankind ; For I ne'er would believe that a Bishop or Judge Can fancy old SATAN may owe him a Grudge , Tho' some think the Lawyer may choose to Demur , And the Priest till another Occasion Defer , And both to be better prepar'd for herea'ter , Take a Smack of the Brimstone contain'd in the Water . But , what is surprising , no Mortal e'er view'd Any one of the Physical Gentlemen stew'd ; Vide OLD BATH GUIDE . Since the Day that King BLADUD first found out the Bogs ; And thought them so good for himself and his Hogs , Not one of the Faculty ever has try'd These excellent Waters to cure his own Hide : Tho' many a skilful and learned Physician , With Candour , good Sense , and profound Erudition , Obliges the World with the Fruits of his Brain Their Nature and hidden Effects to explain : Thus CHIRON advis'd Madam THETIS to take And dip her poor Child in the Stygian Lake , But the worthy old Doctor was not such an Elf As ever to venture his Carcase himself : So JASON's good Wife us'd to set on a Pot , And put in at once all the Patients she got , But thought it sufficient to give her Direction , Without being coddled to mend her Complexion : And I never have heard that she wrote any Treatise To tell what the Virtue of Water and Heat is . You cannot conceive what a Number of Ladies Were wash'd in the Water the same as our Maid is : Old Baron VANTEAZER , a Man of great Wealth , Brought his Lady the Baroness here for her Health ; The Baroness bathes , and she says that her Case Has been hit to a Hair , and is mending apace : And this is a Point all the Learned agree on , The Baron has met with the Fate of ACTEON ; Who while he peep'd into the Bath had the Luck To find himself suddenly chang'd to a Buck . Miss SCRATCHIT went in , and the Countess of SCALES , Both Ladies of very great Fashion in Wales ; Then all on a sudden two Persons of Worth , My Lady PANDORA MAC'SCURVEY came forth , With General SULPHUR arriv'd from the North . So TABBY , you see , had the Honour of Washing With Folk of Distinction and very high Fashion , But in Spite of good Company , poor little Soul , She shook both her Ears like a Mouse in a Bowl . Ods Bobs ! how delighted I was unawares With the Fiddles I heard in the Room above Stairs , For Music is wholesome the Doctors all think For Ladies that bathe , and for Ladies that drink ; And that's the Opinion of ROBIN our Driver , Who whistles his Nags while they stand at the River : They say it is right that for every Glass A Tune you should take , that the Water may pass ; So while little TABBY was washing her Rump , The Ladies kept drinking it out of a Pump . I've a deal more to say , but am loth to intrude On your Time , my dear Mother , so now I'll conclude . S — B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER VII . A Panegyric on BATH , and a MORAVIAN HYMN . OF all the gay Places the World can afford , By Gentle and Simple for Pastime ador'd , Fine Balls , and fine Concerts , fine Buildings , and Springs , Fine Walks , and fine Views , and a Thousand fine Things , Not to mention the sweet Situation and Air , What Place , my dear Mother , with Bath can compare ? Let Bristol for Commerce and Dirt be renown'd , At Sal'sbury Pen-Knives and Scissars be ground ; The Towns of Devizes , of Bradford , and Frome , May boast that they better can manage the Loom ; I believe that they may ; — but the World to refine , In Manners , in Dress , in Politeness to shine , O Bath ! — let the Art , let the Glory be thine . I'm sure I have travell'd our County all o'er And ne'er was so civilly treated before : Would you think , my dear Mother , ( without the least Hint That we all should be glad of appearing in Print ) The News-Writers here were so kind as to give all The World an Account of our happy Arrival ? — You scarce can imagine what Numbers I've met ( Tho' to me they are perfectly Strangers as yet ) Who all with Address and Civility came , And seem'd vastly proud of SUBSCRIBING our Name . Young TIMOTHY CANVASS is charm'd with the Place , Who , I hear , is come hither his Fibres to brace ; Poor Man ! at th'Election he , threw , t'other Day , All his Victuals , and Liquor , and Money away ; And some People think with such Haste he began , That soon he the Constable greatly outran , And is qualify'd now for a Parliament Man : Goes every Day to the Coffee-House , where The Wits and the great Politicians repair ; Harangues on the Funds and the State of the Nation , And plans a good Speech for an Administration , In Hopes of a Place , which he thinks he deserves , As the Love of his Country has ruin'd his Nerves . — Our Neighbour Sir EASTERLIN WIDGEON has swore He ne'er will return to his Bogs any more ; The Thicksculls are settled ; we've had Invitations With a great many more on the Score of Relations ; The Loungers are come too . — Old STUCCO has just sent His Plan for a House to be built in the Crescent ; 'Twill soon be complete , and they say all their Work Is as strong as St. Paul's , or the Minster at York . Don't you think 'twould be better to lease our Estate , And buy a good House here before 'tis too late ? You never can go , my dear Mother , where you So much have to see and so little to do . I write this in Haste , for the Captain is come , And so kind as to go with us all to the Room ; But be sure by the very next Post you shall hear Of all I've the Pleasure of meeting with there ; For I scribble my Verse with a great deal of Ease , And can send you a Letter whenever I please ; And while at this Place I've the Honour to stay , I think I can never want something to say . But now my dear Mother , &c. &c. S — B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766. POSTSCRIPT . I'm sorry to find at the City of Bath , Many Folk , are uneasy concerning their Faith : NICODEMUS the Preacher strives all he can do To quiet the Conscience of good Sister PRUE ; But TABBY from Scruples of Mind is releas'd , Since she met with a learned MORAVIAN Priest , Who says , There is neither Transgression nor Sin ; A Doctrine that brings many Customers in . She thinks this the prettiest Ode upon Earth Which he made on his Infant that dy'd in the Birth . ODE . The learned MORAVIAN has pirated this Ode from Count ZINZENDORF's Book of Hymns . Vid. H. 33. Chicken blessed And caressed , Little Bee on JESU'S Breast ! From the Hurry And the Flurry Of the Earth thou'rt now at Rest .

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — I at — Hall , North . LETTER VIII . Mr. B — N — R — D goes to the Rooms . — His Opinion of Gaming . FROM the earliest Ages , dear Mother , till now , All Statesmen and great Politicians allow That nothing advances the Good of a Nation , Like giving all Money a free Circulation : This Question from Members of Parliament draws Many Speeches that meet universal Applause ; And if ever , dear Mother , I live to be one , I'll speak on this Subject as sure as a Gun : For Bath will I speak , and I'll make an Oration Shall obtain me the Freedom of this Corporation ; I have no Kind of Doubt but the Speaker will beg All the Members to Hear when I set out my Leg . " Circulation of Cash — Circulation decay'd — " Is at once the Destruction and Ruin of Trade ; — " Circulation — I say — Circulation it is , " Gives Life to Commercial Countries like this : What Thanks to the City of Bath then are due From all who this Patriot Maxim pursue , For in no Place whatever that National Good Is practis'd so well , and so well understood ! What infinite Merit and Praise does she claim in Her Ways and her Means for promoting of Gaming ; And Gaming , no doubt , is of infinite use That same Circulation of Cash to produce ; What true public-spirited People are here Who for that very Purpose come every Year ! All Eminent Men who no Trade ever knew But Gaming , the only good Trade , to pursue ; All other Professions are subject to fail , But Gaming's a Bus'ness will ever prevail ; Besides 'tis the only good Way to commence An Acquaintance with all Men of Spirit and Sense ; We may grub on without it thro' Life , I suppose , But then 'tis with People — that Nobody knows . We ne'er can expect to be rich , wise , or great , Or look'd upon fit for Employments of State : 'Tis your Men of fine Heads , and of nice Calculations That afford so much Service to Administrations , Who by frequent Experience know how to devize The speediest Methods of raising Supplies . 'Tis such Men as these , Men of Honour and Worth , That challenge Respect from all Persons of Birth , And is it not right they should all be carest When they're all so polite and so very well drest ; When they circulate freely the Money they've won , And wear a lac'd Coat , tho' their Fathers wore none ? Our Trade is encourag'd as much , if not more , By the tender soft Sex I shall ever adore ; But their Husbands those Brutes have been known to complain , And swear they will never set Foot here again . — Ye Wretches ingrate ! to find Fault with your Wives , The Comfort , the Solace , and Joy of your Lives ! Don't SOLOMON speak of such Women with Rapture In Verse his Eleventh and thirty-first Chapter ? He says , " If you find out a virtuous Wife , " She will do a Man good all the Days of her Life ; " She deals like a Merchant , she sitteth up late . " And you'll find it is written in Verse Twenty-Eight , " Her Husband is sure to be known at the Gate : " He never hath Need or Occasion for Spoil " When his Wife is much better employ'd all the while ; " She seeketh fine Wool and fine Linen she buys , " And is clothed in Purple and Scarlet likewise . — " Now pray don't your Wives do the very same thing , And follow th' Advice of this worthy old King ? Do they spare for Expences themselves in adorning ? Don't they go about buying fine Things all the Morning ? And at Cards all the Night take the Trouble to play , To get back the Money they spent in the Day ? And sure there's no Sort of Occasion to shew , Ye are known at the Gate , or wherever ye go . Pray are not your Ladies at Bath better plac'd Than the Wife of a King who herself so disgrac'd , And at Ithaca liv'd in such very bad Taste ? Poor Soul ! while her husband thought proper to leave her , She slav'd all the Day like a Spitalfields Weaver , And then , like a Fool , when her Web was half spun , Pull'd to-pieces at Night all the Work she had done : But these to their Husbands more Profit can yield , And are much like a Lilly that grows in the Field ; They toil not indeed , nor indeed do they spin , Yet they never are idle when once they begin , But are very intent on encreasing their Store , And always keep shuffling and cutting for more : Industrious Creatures ! that make it a Rule To secure half the Fish while they manage the Pool : So they win to be sure ; yet I very much wonder Why they put so much Money the Candlestick under , For up comes a Man on a sudden , Slapdash , Snuffs the Candles , and carries away all the Cash : And as Nobody troubles their Heads any more , I'm in very great Hopes that it goes to the Poor . — Methinks I should like to excel in a Trade , By which such a Number their Fortunes have made . I've heard of a wise philosophical Jew That shuffles the Cards in a Manner that's new , One JONAS , I think : — And cou'd wish for the future To have that illustrious Sage for my Tutor ; And the Captain , whose Kindness I ne'er can forget , Will teach me a Game that he calls Lansquenet ; So I soon shall acquaint you what Money I've won ; In the mean Time I rest , Your most dutiful Son , S — B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766.

The End of the First Part .

THE NEW BATH GUIDE . PART the SECOND .

Miss JENNY W — D — R , to Lady ELIZ. M — D — SS , at — Castle , North . LETTER IX . A JOURNAL . TO humbler Strains , ye Nine , descend , And greet my poor sequester'd Friend . Not Odes with rapid Eagle flight , That soar above all human Sight ; Not Fancy's fair and fertile Field , To all the same Delight can yield . But come CALLIOPE and say How Pleasure wastes the various Day : Whether thou art wont to rove By Parade , or Orange Grove , Or to breathe a purer Air In the Circus or the Square ; Wheresoever be thy Path , Tell , O tell the Joys of Bath . Ev'ry Morning , ev'ry Night , Gayest Scenes of fresh Delight : When AURORA sheds her Beams , Wak'd from soft Elysian Dreams , Music calls me to the Spring Which can Health and Spirits bring ; There HYGEIA , Goddess , pours Blessings from her various Stores , Let me to her Altars haste , Tho' I ne'er the Waters taste , Near the Pump to take my Stand , With a Nosegay in my Hand , And to hear the Captain say , " How d'ye do dear Miss to-day ? " The Captain ! — Now you'll say my Dear , Methinks I long his Name to hear , — Why then — but don't you tell my Aunt The Captain's Name is — CORMORANT : But hereafter , you must know , I shall call him ROMEO , And your Friend , dear Lady BET , JENNY no more but JULIET . O ye Guardian Spirits fair , All who make true Love your Care , May I oft my ROMEO meet , Oft enjoy his Converse sweet ; I alone his Thoughts employ Thro' each various Scene of Joy . Lo ! where all the jocund Throng From the Pump-Room hastes along , To the Breakfast all invited By Sir TOBY , lately knighted . See with Joy my ROMEO comes ; He conducts me to the Rooms ; There he whispers , not unseen , Tender Tales behind the Screen ; While his Eyes are fix'd on mine , See each Nymph with Envy pine , And with Looks of forc'd Disdain Smile Contempt , but sigh in vain . O the charming Parties made ! Some to walk the South Parade , Some to LINCOMB's shady Groves , Or to SIMPSON's proud Alcoves ; Some for Chapel trip away , Then take Places for the Play : Or we walk about in Pattins , Buying Gauzes , cheap'ning Sattins , Or to PAINTER's we repair , Meet Sir PEREGRINE HATCHET there , Pleas'd the Artist's Skill to trace In his dear Miss GORGON's Face : Happy Pair ! who fix'd as Fate For the sweet connubial State , Smile in Canvass Tete a Tete . If the Weather , cold and chill , Calls us all to Mr. GILL , ROMEO hands to me the Jelly , Or the Soup of Vermicelli ; If at TOYSHOP I step in , He presents a Diamond Pin , Sweetest Token I can wear , Which at once may grace my Hair ; And in Witness of my Flame , Teach the Glass to bear his Name : See him turn each Trinket over , If for me he can discover Ought his Passion to reveal , Emblematic Ring or Seal ; CUPID whetting pointed Darts , For a Pair of tender Hearts ; HYMEN lighting sacred Fires , Types of chaste and fond Desires : Thus enjoy we ev'ry Blessing , Till the Toilet calls to Dressing ; Where's my Garnet , Cap and Sprig ? Send for SINGE to dress my Wig : Bring my silver'd Mazarine , Sweetest Gown that e'er was seen : TABITHA , put on my Ruff ; Where's my dear delightful Muff ? Muff , my faithful ROMEO's Present ; Tippet too from Tail of Pheasant ! Muff from downy Breast of Swan , O the dear enchanting Man ! Muff , that makes me think how JOVE Flew to LEDA from above . — Muff that — TABBY , see who rapt then ? " Madam , Madam , 'tis the Captain ! Sure his Voice I hear below , 'Tis , it is my ROMEO ; Shape and Gate , and careless Air , Diamond Ring , and Solitair , Birth and Fashion all declare . How his Eyes that gently roll Speak the Language of his Soul ; See the Dimple on his Cheek , See him smile and sweetly speak , " Lovely Nymph , at your Command " I have something in my Hand , " Which I hope you'll not refuse , " 'Twill us both at Night amuse : " What tho' Lady WHISKER crave it , " And Miss BADGER longs to have it , " 'Tis , by Jupiter I swear , " 'Tis for you alone , my Dear : " See this Ticket , gentle Maid , " At your Feet an Off'ring laid , " Thee the Loves and Graces call " To a little private Ball : " And to Play I bid adieu , " Hazard , Lansquenet and Loo , " Fairest Nymph to dance with you . — — I with Joy accept his Ticket , And upon my Bosom stick it : Well I know how ROMEO dances , With what Air he first advances , With what Grace his Gloves he draws on , Claps , and calls up Nancy Dawson ; Me thro' ev'ry Dance conducting , And the Music oft instructing ; See him tap the Time to shew , With his light fantastic Toe ; Skill'd in ev'ry Art to please , From the Fan to waft the Breeze , Or his Bottle to produce Fill'd with pungent Eau de Luce . — Wonder not , my Friend , I go To the Ball with ROMEO . Such Delights if thou canst give Bath , at thee I choose to live . J — W — D — R. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER X. TASTE and SPIRIT . — Mr. B — N — R — D commences BEAU GARÇON . SO lively , so gay , my dear Mother , I'm grown , I long to do something to make myself known ; For Persons of Taste and true Spirit , I find , Are fond of attracting the Eyes of Mankind : What Numbers one sees , who for that very Reason Come to make such a Figure at Bath ev'ry Season ! 'Tis This that provokes Mrs. SHENKIN AP-LEEK To dine at the Ord'nary twice in a Week , Tho' at Home she might eat a good Dinner in Comfort , Nor pay such a cursed extravagant Sum for't : But then her Acquaintance would never have known Mrs. SHENKIN AP-LEEK had acquir'd a Bon Ton ; Ne'er shewn how in Taste the AP-LEEKS can excel The Dutchess of TRUFFLES , and Lady MORELL ; Had ne'er been ador'd by Sir PYE MACARONI , And Count VERMICELLI , his intimate Crony ; Both Men of such Taste , their Opinions are taken From an Ortolan down to a Rusher of Bacon . What makes KITTY SPICER , and little Miss SAGO To Auctions and Milliners Shops ev'ry Day go ; What makes them to vie with each other and quarrel Which spends the most Money for splendid Apparel ? Why Spirit — to shew they have much better Sense Than their Fathers , who rais'd it by Shillings and Pence . What sends PETER TEWKSBURY every Night To the Play with such infinite Joy and Delight ? Why PETER's a Critic , with true Attic Salt , Can damn the Performers , can hiss , and find fault , And tell when we ought to express Approbation , By thumping , and clapping , and Vociferation ; So he gains our Attention , and all must admire Young TEWKSBURY's Judgment , his Spirit and Fire . But JACK DILETTANTE despises the Play'rs , To Concerts and musical Parties repairs , With Benefit-Tickets his Pockets he fills , Like a Mountebank Doctor distributes his Bills ; And thus his Importance and Interest shews , By conserring his Favours wherever He goes : He's extremely polite both to me and my Couzen , For he often desires us to take off a Dozen : He has Taste , without doubt , and a delicate Ear , No vile Oratorios ever could bear ; But talks of the Op'ras and his Signiora , Cries Bravo , Benissimo , Bravo , Encora ! And oft is so kind as to thrust in a Note While old Lady CUCKOW is straining her Throat , Or little Miss WREN , who's an excellent Singer , Then he points to the Notes , with a Ring on his Finger , And shews Her the Crotchet , the Quaver , and Bar , All the Time that she warbles , and plays the Guitar : Yet I think , tho' she's at it from Morning till Noon , Her queer little Thingumbob's never in Tune . Thank Heaven of late , my dear Mother , my Face is Not a little regarded at all public Places ; For I ride in a Chair with my Hands in a Muff , And have bought a Silk Coat and embroidered the Cuff ; But the Weather was cold , and the Coat it was thin , So the Taylor advis'd me to line it with Skin : But what with my Nivernois ' Hat can compare , Bag-Wig , and lac'd Ruffles , and black Solitair ? And what can a Man of true Fashion denote , Like an Ell of good Ribbon ty'd under the Throat ? My Buckles and Box are in exquisite Taste ; The one is of Paper , the other of Paste ; And sure no Camayeu was ever yet seen , Like that which I purchas'd at WICKSTED's Machine : My Stockings of Silk , are just come from the Hosier , For To-night I'm to dance with the charming Miss TOZIER : So I'd have them to know when I go to the Ball , I shall shew as much Taste as the best of them all : For a Man of great Fashion was heard to declare He never beheld so engaging an Air , And swears all the World must my Judgment confess , My Solidity , Sense , Understanding in Dress , My Manners so form'd , and my Wig so well curl'd , I look like a Man of the very first World : But my Person and Figure you'll best understand From the Picture I've sent , by an eminent Hand : Shew it young Lady BETTY , by Way of Endearance , And to give her a Spice of my Mien and Appearance : Excuse any more , I'm in Haste to depart , For a Dance is the Thing that I love at my Heart , So now my dear Mother , &c. &c. &c. S — B — N — R — D. BATH , 1766.

Mr. S — B — N — R — D , to Lady B — N — R — D , at — Hall , North . LETTER XI . A Description of the BALL , with an Episode on BEAU NASH . WHAT Joy at the Ball , what Delight have I found , By all the bright Circle encompass'd around ! Each Moment with Transport my Bosom felt warm , For what , my dear Mother , like Beauty can charm ? The Remembrance alone , while their Praise I rehearse , Gives Life to my Numbers , and Strength to my Verse : Then allow for the Rapture the Muses inspire , Such Themes call aloud for Poetical Fire . I've read how the Goddesses meet all above , And throng the immortal Assemblies of JOVE , When join'd with the Graces fair VENUS appears , Ambrosial sweet Odours perfume all the Spheres ; But the Goddess of Love , and the Graces and all , Must yield to the Beauties I've seen at the Ball ; For JOVE never felt such a Joy at his Heart , Such a Heat as these charming sweet Creatures impart . In short — there is something in very fine Women , When they meet all together — that's quite overcoming . Then say , O ye Nymphs that inhabit the Shades Of Pindus ' sweet Banks , Heliconian Maids , Celestial Muses , ye Powers divine , O say , for your Memory's better than mine , What Troops of fair Virgins assembled around , What Squadrons of Heroes for Dancing renown'd , Were rouz'd by the Fiddle's harmonious Sound ; What Goddess shall first be the Theme of my Song , Whose Name the clear AVON may murmur along , And Echo repeat all the Vallies among ! Lady TETTATON's Sister , Miss FUBBY FATARMIN , Was the first that presented her Person so charming , Than whom more engaging , more beautiful none , A Goddess herself among Goddesses shone , Excepting the lovely Miss TOWZER alone . 'Tis she that has long been the Toast of the Town , Tho' all the World knows her Complexion is brown : If some People think that her Mouth be too wide , Miss TOWZER has numberless Beauties beside ; A Countenance noble , with sweet pouting Lips , And a delicate Shape , from her Waist to her Hips ; Besides a prodigious rough black Head of Hair That is frizzled and curl'd o'er her Neck that is bare ; I've seen the sweet Creature but once , I confess , But her Air , and her Manner , and pleasing Address , All made me feel something I ne'er can express . But lo ! on a sudden what Multitudes pour From Cambrian Mountains , from Indian Shore ; Bright Maidens , bright Widows , and fortunate Swains , Who cultivate LIFFY's sweet Borders and Plains , And they who their Flocks in fair ALBION feed , Rich Flocks and rich Herds , ( so the Gods have decreed ) Since they quitted the pleasanter Banks of the Tweed . Yet here no Confusion , no Tumult is known , Fair Order and Beauty establish their Throne ; For Order and Beauty , and just Regulation , Support all the Works of this ample Creation . For This , in Compassion to Mortals below , The Gods , their peculiar Favour to shew , Sent HERMES to Bath in the Shape of a BEAU : That Grandson of ATLAS came down from above To bless all the Regions of Pleasure and Love ; To lead the fair Nymph thro' the various Maze , Bright Beauty to marshal , his Glory and Praise ; To govern , improve , and adorn the gay Scene , By the Graces instructed , and Cyprian Queen : As when in a Garden delightful and gay , Where FLORA is wont all her Charms to display , The sweet Hyacinthus with Pleasure we view Contend with Narcissus in delicate Hue , The Gard'ner industrious trims out his Border , Puts each odoriferous Plant in it's Order ; The Myrtle he ranges , the Rose and the Lilly , With Iris and Crocus , and Daffa-down-dilly ; Sweet Peas and sweet Oranges all He disposes At once to regale both your Eyes and your Noses , Long reign'd the great NASH , this omnipotent Lord , Respected by Youth , and by Parents ador'd ; For him not enough at a Ball to preside , Th' unwary and beautiful Nymph would he guide ; Oft tell her a Tale , how the credulous Maid By Man , by perfidious Man is betray'd ; Taught Charity's Hand to relieve the distrest , With tender Compassion his Tears have exprest : But alas ! He is gone , and the City can tell How in Years and in Glory lamented he sell ; Him mourn'd all the Dryads on CLAVERTON's Mount ; Him AVON deplor'd , Him the Nymph of the Fount , The Crystalline Streams . Then perish his Picture , his Statue decay , A Tribute more lasting the Muses shall pay . If true what Philosophers all will assure us , Who dissent from the Doctrine of great EPICURUS , That the Spirit's immortal : as Poets allow , If Life's Occupations are follow'd below : In Reward of his Labours , his Virtue and Pains , He is footing it now in th' Elysian Plains , Indulg'd , as a Token of PROSERPINE's Favour , To preside at her Balls in a cream-colour'd Beaver : Then Peace to his Ashes — Our Grief be supprest , Since we find such a Phoenix has sprung from his Nest ; Kind Heaven has sent us another Professor , Who follows the Steps of his great Predecessor . But hark , now they strike the melodious String , The vaulted Roof echoes , the Mansions all ring ; At the Sound of the Hautboy , the Bass and the Fiddle , Sir BOREAS BLUBBER steps forth in the Middle , Like a Holy-Hock , noble , majestic , and tall , Sir BOREAS BLUBBER first opens the Ball : Sir BOREAS , great in the Minuet known , Since the Day that for Dancing his Talents were shewn , Where the Science is practis'd by Gentlemen grown . For in every Science , in